Anniversary

I have had this lovely blog for exactly one year now (well, at exactly 11:34 tonight I suppose, but who is counting that close). My resolution for this year, about writing every day....I did well for a while, until school and summer school and life got in the way. Actually, as I write to you on this New Years Eve with nearly spring-like weather, I am trying to complete my homework. Death of a Salesman analysis. I don't suppose that it is a bad play, but I don't think that I would read it for fun.

Speaking of anniversaries, today is my grandparents' 45th wedding anniversary. I think that's pretty cool, that people can stay together for so long. [ random interjection: I love when it's 3:14, the time of pi :) ] I would certainly like a friendship to last this long, think how much you would know about each other and how much you would care about each other after this long. That would be so very nice :)

Strange question that I have always wanted to ask in a survey: when you get dressed, do you put your pants or shirt on first? But I worry that people would consider this too much an invasion of privacy, therefore I hesitate to ask.

One thing that I am very excited about in this new year: Britney's new cd!!!! I will have to add to my poem of every Britney song once I know the names of the tracks. One thing that I am not so excited about: the graduation of a lot of my friends. But I know that they have earned it, and hope they wont forget me, and trust that everything will work out how it should. And with this optimistic view of the future, I close this post, as this seems like a good place to end and for some reason I am very dizzy and need to lay down.
PrincessC

XOXO, More O, Less X

As I promised on Twitter, I will now write in honor of Asexual Awareness Week. I'm not entirely sure, it may have officially ended yesterday, it depends on if it is a 7 day week or a 5 day week. In any case, I shall now write about it.

I have really thought long and hard about what I want to tell you lovely blog readers, what the world needs to hear. This is the best I could come up with. I have noticed that people always say "us" and "we", whether it be "us straight people" or "we as the asexual community" or any other collective group of whatever is your personal pleasure. I am not sure that I completely agree with this. Yes, there are groups of people, but to say that everyone in that group does one thing or feels one way isn't the case. Every individual is different. Some asexuals enjoy being in a relationship, some just enjoy friendships. Some people think that hugs are nice, other people don't. Some people have different boundaries on what type of relationship does what, such as, is it alright for friends to hold hands. There is one base common belief that binds all of a group of people, but the finer details, not everyone is going to agree on. Personally, I think that I'm not really into the whole relationship thing. I used to desire it some, though thinking back, when I always thought of growing up and what my future would be like, there never was a guy or girl involved, I didn't place much importance on getting married. Now, it just doesn't really have any appeal to me. Maybe something in my future will change that, I'm not against it exactly, I just don't see it as very important, as long as I have my friends and family, more friends than anything I suppose, I seem to be slowly losing parts of my family, then life will be amazing. On the topic of friends, I think that hugs are very important, and I see nothing wrong with holding hands, I don't view it any differently than if I were to hold hands with my brother or parents. In the eyes of the world we live in, it is mostly likely and unfortunately not seen like that, and therefore I don't hold hands with my friends as it is easier to not cause confusion, and I do not know how my friends feel about the issue.

The title of this post I quite like. It used to bother me, not knowing what was hugs and what was kisses. Now, after searching the Internet to determine that most people say that x is kisses and o is hugs, I have found a way to remember which one is what. Kisses are, for me, not really wanted, like kiss on the cheek is fine, but other than that is gross, yet strangely fascinating, but anyways, therefore they are x, unwanted. Hugs are nice and warm and round and I very much enjoy them and o is just a nice round and warm and friendly letter. This may be how all asexuals feel, but as I said early, everyone is a little different, therefore everyone should make decisions for themselves, not feel as if they have to do certain things to fit in a group.

I think that this is a pretty nice post to honor such a special week. I tried to wear black, as seem to be an asexual color, especially when viewing the graduated triangle that is our "symbol", and succeeding in wearing mostly black, but no one commented or seemed to notice. I suppose that could be either bad or good, or neither.
PrincessC

Shadows

Its a fairly normal title, shadows, but this is going to be a very deep (hopefully) post. Shadows are part of you, they are you in essence, but they are also separate from you, something wanting to imitate you, following your every move, but cant quite be you. You can never be rid of your shadow, it will go with you wherever and always be part of you. Your mind is the same way, all the memories, the mistakes, the downfalls, the ups, the praise, all will be with you for the rest of your life, and no matter what you do, you can not be rid of them. You can attempt to cover them up but even that will not destroy them, and you will still have to deal with them. But your past, as well as your shadow, can be put behind you, as long as you look forward into the light.

Metaphorically, the shadow seems to be very multi-talented. Shadows represent death, and darkness. They are the opposite of light and life, they are something you don't want to face. They are also your deepest hidden secret, the part of you that you don't want to exist but is there for the entire world to see, and no matter how you try to run from it, it follows you. But in art, it draws the line between the good artist and the great artist. It is what makes things go from dead and fake and flat to alive and real. The shadow to me means lots of different things. The shadow is your clone, the thing that you have from birth until you die, that is you, that is of you, that is unfortunately yet thankful ever silent. Anything you have seen, your shadow has as well. Anything you've done, your shadow did it too. Anything you think, your shadow was there preying on your mind, taking what is yours and making it theirs as well. Even now as I type, my shadow types with me, imitating my keystrokes exactly, yet making no impact. It is rather sad I believe, that this thing is forced to be with you yet can not truly do anything at all. It can not complain, it can not move, it can not be free of you.

I keep referring to the shadow and the conscience, your mind. I think that this is the thing that sticks out to me the most. When you see something you don't want to, hear something you don't want to, face something you don't want to, that thing becomes a part of you, whether you want it to or not, and it is there with you for the rest of forever. No matter what, its in your mind, and it can make you laugh or haunt you any time it wishes. You have no shield from it, it just happens at random, with only the tiniest spark of outside influence telling it to appear. Its just like a shadow, the smallest speck of light, and its there. Every time.

What You Say, What You Mean, What I Think

Haven't been on here in a long time, what's been happening blog readers?
I've been up to a lot it seems. I went to an Adam Lambert concert and it was absolutely amazing!! It was made even better by the fact that I went with a great friend. :) I got some blue hair, not like "My hair is completely turned neon blue all over" but some pretty bright blue stripes. I guess they call them streaks when dealing with hair. Actually, that's all I've been up to lately of much significance, but you have to admit, its a pretty amazing thing to do.

I made a fantastic realization the other day. I have a great uncle that has been single and happy for over 75 years. That's amazing! Its like an inspiration to aces everywhere! You don't have to be what society wants, you really and truly can be single and happy for your entire life. Most aces, people in general, don't want to be lonely, and he isn't, he has friends and family always there for him, and that's all he needs. I think that this is truly awesome.

Sometimes, what you say is not what you mean. It seems that it is especially this way when you are typing. If you are talking person to person, you can see the reaction the person has, and accordingly fix what you said to explain what you meant. When you type, you can't. When you type, it is there and you can't take it back or explain what you mean if the person doesn't ask you to and they can read it over and over again and be hurt over and over again. And other times, you really want to say something, but you know that you shouldn't, so you don't, you type something that you don't really mean because you can't say how you truly feel.

As always, I will now combine the previous paragraphs into the last, and normally main, one. This isn't really a paragraph though, it is a chart. To an ace, or to me at least, this is what you say, and what I think. Not normally how I reply, but what I truly have inside my head.
Here is how to read it. You speak. I think.
I miss you sometimes. I miss you all the time. Sometimes I want to be alone. I can understand that, sometimes I like to be alone to concentrate on my video games. I would like to be in a relationship because I am lonely, and if I found someone, I wouldn't be lonely. You are in a relationship, it is called a friendship. Friendships can help you not be lonely, because friends love you. But if you are in a relationship, its different because you know that the person truly wants to be with you and you want to be with that person. I would kind of hope that you would truly like to spend time with your friends. I truly like to spend time with you. Yes, friendships are like that, but you don't get to hold hands or be all sweet with that person. You could hold my hand if you wanted to, it might be nice and warm, and friends are sweet and nice. I want to be in love with someone, and I want someone to be in love with me. Well I love you a lot, and you say that you love me a lot. What is the difference? I don't understand. You will understand someday.That's what has been bothering me for so long, like when I have a really down day I sleep, that's what's wrong with me, I get so depressed and I don't know why, but it hits me really hard some days. Perhaps I don't want to understand. I don't want to be sad like that, and I don't want for you to be sad either. I thought that our friendship kept you happy... I will always love you, and you will always be my best friend! Why can't I love two people? I want to have a best friend that I can tell everything to and who will always be there for me and I will do the same. And then have someone that loves me romantically and I love them romantically. Everyone has their best friend and the one they romantically love. I will always love you too. You can love two people; I love you, my family, and my other friends. That is more than two people. I'm glad that you can tell me anything and you are right, I will always be there for you. Not everyone has romantic love, granted they, we, only make up a very tiny percent of the population, but it is wrong to say that absolutely everyone does.

That probably makes me seem really emotionally jumpy, going from sweet to serious, but that is the working of my inner mind. Its kind of like a four year old. New meaning to the term "your inner child."
PrincessC

The Cards of Life

There is something strangely relaxing about shuffling cards. It makes you feel as though you are in control of chaos. Because the cards should, in theory, be in totally random order after a good shuffle, but you are in charge of how many times and what kind of shuffling. I think that is what we are all after in life. We all want to feel that we are in charge of the chaotic order of events that we call living. We are in charge of what we eat, and some take that power to the extreme. That in turn makes us in charge of our bodies. But still, there are countless powers working against our bodies as well, such as the weather, emotions, other people, animals, and the list could go on and on. So while we take actions to feel in charge, we really aren't totally and completely. That doesn't mean that we can just let things fall however they wish and give up on things entirely, its just meant to make us think about how small we really are and put things in perspective.

I think that each of us, in our hearts, has the making of a deck of cards. We all have the royalty of the face cards, the part of us that loves to be in charge. We all have the love represented by the hearts. The spades, which represent the desire to work and advance in life, as though you are gardening and working your way to the top or as though you have to fight and defend your position, as the spade is sharp. The clubs, which represent the fun, the normal, and hardships in life, how each is a different circle, but all are combined to make up a life. The diamonds, which show the purity and hope that each of us truly has deep down. Sometimes we do not always show the clear and shining diamond in our lives, but it is always there, even if caked in miles of emotional dirt and mud. All the numbers of course are part of every one's life, the world can not function properly and orderly without the use of numbers. And last, the aces, which represent not that only one person, yourself is important, but that you and three other people are needed. The ace of spades would have to represent yourself, as you know more about yourself than anyone else, and therefore it has the most intricate detail. Then the ace of hearts is the person that you love more than anyone else. The ace of spades is the person that you strive to be like, your role model. And the ace of diamonds is the person that you value and treasure and that help keeps you pure and hopeful.

There are a lot of ways to view the world, when you keep your mind open.

PrincessC

New Friends, New Perspective

Sometimes you meet a person that is so much like you that it isn't even funny. I know that I said my mini me is just like me, and she is, but I may have found someone who is even more like me. Being a nerd is great, I'm not ashamed to be one. But its a lonely life sometimes. To be good looking or popular or athletic, you have lots of friends, you get to spend time with everyone, you are never alone. But nerds don't have many friends, they all claim us as friends so we will help them and give them money, which we are so nice that we always do. And yet it seems to me like things are always unfair to us. People get in trouble for being mean to each other if you play sports, but when people are mean to the nerds, everyone ignores it. The "friends" always leave us when it really comes down to it. We use logic and see how it is unfair, and it makes us really sad, but then they always say something to make it seem like its our fault, I mean its not like we have that many to begin with, we really don't want to lose friends. Scientists and people with great intelligence have throughout history have been lonely people. They were sad and crazy because of this, which is a terrible thing, but no one wanted to be with them. They were ridiculed by society, and no one cared. Maybe cliques aren't a bad thing, maybe its really for the best, it keeps people more safe. Nerds aren't going to be mean to other nerds, because they know what its like. Band people like other band people, math people like math people. That may sound terrible, but I think its true. Its a way to make people unified, make them feel better about themselves by realizing that they aren't the only person in the world like them.
PrincessC

Love Prints

If you love someone, tell them
If you miss someone, find them
If you have someone, hold them tight and never let go
I may not know much, but this I do know
Love deeply and truly and leave love prints where you go

I am quite fond of this writing. I believe that it is truthful and meaningful. But one question might come to mind when you read it. What is a love print? A love print is like a footprint, only not. It's like a memory, an emotion. Everything that love is, laughter, smiling, fun, crying, sympathy, forgiveness, any emotion that is because of love, leaves a love print on that person's heart. And you can always look back at your love prints that people have given to you, and it will make you happy, remembering love. It might make you a little sad sometimes, like if that love is no longer with you, but mostly it will make you smile. So a love print is a memory footprint on someone's heart, and it is the best thing that you can ever give a person or receive yourself.

I know that I didn't post anything yesterday, it was raining, but I don't feel like making up for that today. I'm not really in the mood to talk much.
PrincessC

Curiouser and Curiouser

I have been thinking lately. Thinking is a dangerous thing for any person to do, but it is also necessary. I have been considering what I am. I am a princess, this is true. I am fairly intelligent, this is also true. But I am a girl? Well, yes, I suppose, perhaps. I don't have a problem with that, I am totally fine with being what I am, I wouldn't like being a male any better. But what if there weren't male and female, and there were just people? No he or she, just them, they, as one and the same. Now if you get past the point where you think that the population wouldn't be able to continue if this happened because there would be no way to reproduce, and allow me to clear this up now, there are other ways to reproduce and a society in which we have been able to get rid of gender issues and prejudges by just eliminating gender all together would be smart enough to find some way to do so, it is an interesting concept. There would be no exploiting of women, nothing on TV to destroy the innocence of our youth. (I suppose drugs and alcohol, but I'm wondering if getting rid of those wouldn't soon follow in such a smart society.) Not everyone would agree with me on this, in fact a lot of people would disagree strongly with me, but I think that being just a person, neither girl nor boy, wouldn't be a terrible thing. I think that things would change so drastically. No one to tell people that they have to wear pink or blue or this club is only for boys or sewing is only for girls, just everyone being equal. I personally think that it sounds pretty good.

The music video for "If I Had You" didn't really impress me. I only watched it once, but I didn't think much of it. Perhaps if I watch it a second time it will be better.

I think that I have a problem with Tetris, I love it. Like I play it all the time. When I am bored, I will make up an imaginary game in my mind and play it out and plan the best strategies. I don't think that is normal.

I want to watch Alice in Wonderland again, I quite enjoy that movie. I love how it focuses on the imagination, which is a very important tool.
PrincessC

*Silence*

Silence isn't golden. Silence is creepy. I used to like the feeling of being alone, being allowed to think and do whatever. Now its just weird. When it is dead silent... well it just shouldn't ever be like that. Too many strange things can happen. They always show it in the movies even, the awkward silence and then the suspenseful music and then something bad happens. Except in real life, there isn't a director to cue the creepy music, so things can actually sneak up on you. And these things are a lot worse than something that isn't real and is just on the movie screen. That is a nice movie trick they do though, they play the music to get you on the edge of your seat, cause you know that something is coming up and you don't know what and you know its going to be something sudden and it will jump out at you. It probably isn't anything that scary most of the time. I've always wondered what would happen if you didn't have any sound in a movie like that. Would you still be scared if there wasn't the music to make your heart pound? If it was just an image that appeared on the screen?

I think that I might know why I don't sleep at night now. I have to make myself stay awake because it drives me crazy to not tell my best friend good night, and then once I pass a certain point, I am no longer sleepy. Does that happen with everyone? You are tired, really tired, but if you make yourself stay up long enough and you pass that point where you think that you are just going to fall over, then you aren't sleepy anymore? But if I don't stay up, I still can't sleep, no matter how sleepy I was. The only difference is if I don't stay up and say it, when I try to sleep, its terrible dreams and fitful, unrestful sleep. So staying up is the best option.

Hiking doesn't sound very fun to me. Its outside, where there are evil bugs that are for some reason more attracted to me than to any other human being on earth, and where it is hot. Its a long dangerous trail through unfamiliar territory and you aren't sure where you are going to end up or where the next resting spot will be, if there is any other civilization for miles around, and if you get lost, there is not much hope for you. None of that sounds very enjoyable. I would really prefer to not be lost in the wilderness. But I haven't much choice, they are forcing me against my will to do such thing tomorrow. Otherwise I won't get credit for the thing called "summer school". I wonder if you can get lost in a public park.
PrincessC

My Fair Obsession

I've been told that I have an obsessive personality. That I am easily addicted to things. I didn't believe them before. I do now. When I find a song that I like, I will listen to it over and over and over again for days, never stop listening to it, day and night listen to it, until I find a new song, and then I do it with that song. Normally what happens is I find an artist that I like and I will stick with that artist for a long time. It's a little strange, because on most things I have a hard time paying attention, I have a focus problem. When I am doing logic puzzles, I will get addicted to them until I feel like I can't finish them, and then I will lose interest and quit for a while. But I don't ever lose interest in my music.

They say, those annoying in charge people, that life is never fair. We are raised hearing that life isn't fair. But I believe that there is a point where a little unfair becomes exceptionally unjust. You can't always win, this is true, and it is fair, it hurts but it is fair. But if you never win, and you try and try but never win, that makes you feel like a failure, and that is unjust, because no one is a failure at everything. When people blame you for something that you do or did or have control over, then its fair to say that it is your fault. But when you get blamed and penalized for something that you aren't in charge of, that you can't change and fix because you don't have the power to, that is unjust. And people need to understand that sometimes you wish that you could change things and you have thought of every way possible to change things, but still sometimes you can't. And people shouldn't forget about you because of this, because you don't want things to be the way they are either.


The title of this post reminds me of the fair. I love the fair. I love the animals and the rides and the crafts and the free stuff and the snow cones and other foods that make people sick because you probably shouldn't ever eat them, especially when it is hot because it is the middle of July. I wonder if anyone will want to go with me to the fair this year...
PrincessC

All I've Got

When I can't remember something, I panic. Its not that I don't remember things exactly, its that I can't bring them to my mind when I want to. I can't remember how people look once I'm no longer in the same room with them, like I don't store their picture in my mind. I can describe them sometimes, but I can't see them in my mind. And I always recognize them when I see them again. But it is very aggravating that I can't just picture them or hear their voice exactly when I want to. I can do complicated math and know how to do it perfectly all day long, but I can't remember something as a simple as that. Its not fair.

Apparently when I play my video games, I get really into them. They told me that I looked very much like a pro gamer, aka nerd, when I played. I think I do that with everything I do, I give 110%. I don't just feel something normally, I really feel it. Like when I feel happy, I feel very happy, like sunshine, smiley faces, flowers, the cute pictures little kids draw happy. When I am sad, I feel very sad, like dark stormy clouds, destruction, devastation, broken hope and dreams and life sad. When I do a project for school, I will devote all of my time to the perfection of it. When I sing, I get so into the song that I know that I look like an idiot, but it doesn't matter to me. I know that it has to look so crazy for me to be singing while randomly walking in town, but I simply can't help it, music is something that means a lot to me, and I get really into it.

It seems to me that sometimes no matter what you do, you can't win. You can spend time doing school work and trying to advance in life, and then late at night you cry because you can't spend time with your best friend. And no matter what you do, you can't fix that hurt. Like you can think about them and think about how it won't be very long before you see them and you can think of all the happy memories, every trick in the book, and nothing helps. And you dream about them, and the dreams aren't even very interesting, but you find yourself being very jealous of the dream you, because she gets to spend time with the dream best friend, but you in reality don't get the real best friend. And you feel like you shouldn't miss them that much, but you do.

But everything will work out in the end, at least it should.

PrincessC

Judging Books by Their Covers, or Labels Rather

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IsPFDzAGb4A&NR=1

If you read the comments of this amazing music video, it is sadly tainted with negative comments about the artist's personal life. He did announce it publicly (I did in fact misspell "announce" and spell check fixed it for me, and that is actually the word that I missed in the spelling bee in fourth grade) which I suppose made us aware of it, but it didn't really make it our business. If you like a food before you know what it is, but then suddenly once you know what is in it you hate it, that doesn't really make any sense. You liked it, so why does knowing what's in it change that? Same thing with the labels that you can put on people. If you liked him before, knowing that he isn't "normal" shouldn't suddenly affect his singing voice. Like I am an American. Knowing that I am an American shouldn't make you suddenly dislike me. And just because I am American doesn't give you right to hate me. You can't just stereotype everyone. Just because you dislike one American doesn't mean that you should hate all of them. And not all Christians are judgemental and harsh people, so it is unfair to label everyone as that. Labels don't define what a person is, no one person fits exactly into the cookie cutter shape that is a label. You define what the label is. Some people believe that since I am asexual, I have the inability to love, which isn't true, just because I don't believe in showing my love the same way and love people the exact same way as a lot of people doesn't mean that I am completely incapable of any love. If you've read any of my other posts, you can see that I am able to love, and I love much and truly. It's different from some people, some people wouldn't be as satisfied with the type of love I have, but that doesn't make what I do wrong. I personally really dislike frozen green beans, but canned green beans aren't that bad. Just because they have the word green beans similar doesn't mean that they have to be exactly alike, and they aren't, they have different tastes. I quite like frozen peas. Just because they have frozen in the label just like the green beans doesn't mean that I automatically hate them as well. If I didn't have the variety of different vegetables, my life would be repetitive and boring and I wouldn't have a well balanced diet. Same with the world, if we didn't have the vast assortment of people that make up all the different parts of the world, if we were all alike, there would only be need for one human because they could do the jobs of everyone. People need to learn to not live by labels, not let labels affect what they do and what they say. Labels are a part of you, you aren't solely them.

I shall leave you with another song. This is the one that easily gets stuck in my head.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X1Fqn9du7xo&NR=1
PrincessC

You've Got a Friend In Me

I think that there is a certain commitment you make when you become best friends. Whenever something hurts one of you, it hurts both of you. When one of you is happy, both are happy. And you think the same way about certain things too. And you know exactly what to do to make the person feel better most of the time, even if you don't realize that you are doing anything to help. Love isn't about how much you deserve it, because no one really deserves it, simply because you can't not deserve it. Love just is, and you just have to appreciate it. I think that you love all of your friends, but you love your best friend most deeply and you are connected more with them than anyone else.

I love that smile you always have
Its like you're happy to see me
And how you talk to me
With so much honest joy
How I went so long
Without you
I will never know
Sometimes it still amazes me
How much you truly care
And I'm so glad that we have
This friendship we can share
I really like how every time
I know when you are near
Because every time you're close to me
My happiness appears
And I know that if I think of you
Before I go to sleep
That my dreams will always be happy ones
Ones that are so sweet

I think that poem really explains the happy, almost childlike playfulness and joy that is a great friendship. A friendship that is the reason that you get up in the morning, one of the only reasons that you bother to do that. A friendship that is hours and hours of talking and laughing together. A friendship that is filled with hugs and love.
PrincessC

Matters of the Heart

Poetry has to be the most powerful form of writing. It is basically raw emotion, you can feel it in its rhythm, the way the words form in your mouth, the momentum of the phrases. Even down to the carefully placed punctuation marks, they ooze with whatever emotion they speak of. If its rage, you can feel the heat, the blood pumping through the person's veins, the thoughts rattling in the person's mind, the emotion building and building until eventually it reaches its climax and explodes. Or if its nice and happy and flowery, you can feel the love, feel the joy, smell the fresh flowers of spring time, feel the sunshine on your shoulder, hear the birds sing their joyful songs. I enjoy greatly sharing my thoughts with all of you through this writing, but I must say that my preferred way of speaking is through my poetry.

I found a quote today, and it is one of the most truthful things I have read in a long time. "Spiteful words can hurt your feelings but silence breaks your heart." This is so very true. When you are silent, people worry. Especially if you talk all the time. Like me, if there was ever a day that I was silent, you should be very very worried. You can worry that you have said something very wrong and terrible and the other person is ignoring you. Or you can worry that something terrible has happened and they want to talk to you but they can't. Or you can feel completely left out because they are ignoring you on purpose because they are doing something very cool that you weren't invited to and you want to do something with them but you never get to and maybe you aren't as important to them as you thought that you were, you aren't as important to them as they are to you, and you begin to question things that you shouldn't. But words only hurt for a little bit. Most hateful words come from people you don't like, so it doesn't matter, you can just go to your best friend for comfort. Or if it would happen to come from your close friend, maybe it was a slip of the tongue or you took it the wrong way. Or maybe they just aren't really your friend, which would hurt so terribly bad. But the words themselves don't hurt as much as the silence does. Words can tug at the heart strings and make you cry, but silence can shatter the heart itself and leave you with nothing but an empty terrible feeling inside. And really it isn't the words that make you hurt if your friend does something to hurt you, it is the confusion and silence that does.

Today I was told that I laugh like an evil scientist, that they pictured me with boiling beakers and bubbling concoctions of chemicals. The scientist part fits me all right, but I'm not sure about the evil part....
PrincessC

The Mind is a Country

This is an analogy that I wrote a while ago. I think that it is a pretty fair, and interesting way to look at the world, and makes sense if you really think about it.


The mind is like a country. Some countries have tighter security than others and a passport is harder to get. This stays true whether you wish to gain a passport to leave or one to enter. But all countries have visitors. Sometimes people lie to get a passport and other times they sneak in. Honest people are welcomed with open arms.

The country usually has one ruler. The ruler isn't always nice. The ruler can be elected in, or it can be the result of some hostile takeover. An evil ruler doesn't take into consideration what would be best for all the people in the country, it only sees one thing and sets its mind to it. A good ruler also sets goals and meets them, but they make sure it is whats best.

There are different types of countries. Some are weak, small countries, easily taken over by other countries. These countries are in need of help from larger, stronger countries. Unfortunately, not all of the countries offer assistance. They can be so focused on themselves that they don't pay attention to the world around them. This is sometimes the result of a bad leader, but sometimes it is truly for the best that they focus on themselves if they are having trouble. At such times, they need help from countries like themselves.

Natural disasters can strike a country. As long as the hurting country is given help, the disaster isn't all bad. It signals new growth, and change, and a new start at life. Sometimes it seems like a disaster, but it is what is needed.

Strong countries can be hard to find at times. Not everyone is a strong country. All have the potential, but few realize it. It is usually thanks to a strong country already in existence that one realizes their potential. When countries form allies, they really have the power to change the world.

PrincessC

Green, Terrible Color

Green with envy. Greed is green. The color has a bad reputation. Sure grass is green, and its ok I guess, but green is also the color you turn when you are sick. Greed isn't really a problem with me, I will keep money for centuries and never spend it, I'm always afraid that I might really need it one day so I have to keep it. But I don't really want more of it, I'm kind of fine with not having any, I don't need anything, and I don't really want anything. Sick, everyone has problems with that occasionally, but its not too big of a deal. Come to think of it though, I am perhaps greedy with other things, that overlap with jealousy: people. Its a terrible terrible thing, but it seems to happen with me. The second someone leaves after spending time with me, I miss them and want them to come back. Or when I go somewhere, I never want to leave. I realize that they have other things that they have to do though, and do not get too upset. It just seems very sad to me to have to leave. Saying good bye is very much a problem with me, it seems too final and ending and as though you never plan on seeing them again, and it makes me even more sad, even though I know that I will probably see them again very soon. I didn't used to have such a problem with good bye, but due to a certain event, I really have an issue with it now. Perhaps this isn't jealousy though, perhaps this is just love and as long as I do not let my missing them keep them from doing other thing and I'm not selfish about it, it is fine. I do miss people though, very strongly. It could be five seconds since I last talked to you, and already I would miss you. I'm not sure why this is either, I used to be fine with being completely alone for long periods of time, but now I can not stand it. I don't like being alone anymore.

Some days I seem to be a little more emotionally fragile than others. I am afraid that during one of these times my friends will get tired of putting up with me and leave me. But they haven't yet. There is one in particular that I'm always afraid this will happen to, because I tell him everything. But he hasn't. I'm pretty sure that I have the best best friend in all the world. Like if it were a competition to see who the best best friend in the whole world was, he would win. I get upset, not at him, at time, for not being able to do something together. All I want is just to sit and talk and enjoy each other's company. You wouldn't think that would be such a hard thing to do, but it is apparently. I don't get angry, I just get sad. Very sad.

I think that I am going to do something else now, to try to be unsad.
PrincessC

Remember the Day...

Before I get to the major topic, I have found what may be the greatest song ever. It speaks of the place that I want to visit more than anywhere else. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lIrmPEyt0Nc You just have to listen to it, it is amazing.

Now, I will speak of the subject in the title, while listening to the song of course. Memories, we make them all the time, we can't not make them, unless you forget something, I guess that is a nonmemory. Anyway, you can't pick your memories, just like you can't pick what you hear (well you kind of can, but once you overhear something, there isn't any going back and not hearing it). You have them for a lifetime. Which is why you want to make good ones, not stupid ones. My memories are very interesting. I love remembering things, especially things about important people. Music is really good for bringing back happy memories. Like the song I mentioned earlier (really, if you haven't listened, you need to) reminds me of my cousin and my mini me, because I remember talking about that all the time with them. Talk of pancakes and moose, good times. Or the countless number of songs that remind me of my best friend. Like every song by Britney, or every song ever possibly played one note of on The OC. And its not always music that I associate with memories and people and places, its everything. Like I played my video game on the student council trip and on my science trip. Now that was two completely different sets of people to travel with. But both were fun. Or I spilled nail polish on these pajamas, orange nail polish to be exact, the first time I wore them, which was on the science trip, and it was brand new nail polish too, and then walked barefoot in a hotel (upon reflection that was really gross) with my best friend to get water while wearing them. Or something really obscure, like I thought about wearing these socks one week before going to do something with my best friend and ended up not wearing them.

On a related yet not really note, I also do strange things with every number I see. I will add and subtract and divide and multiply and count and everything mathematical to find something common between all the numbers. For example, if I see a house number that is 3594, I will do something like "9+5=14, and 4+3=7. So the two outside numbers are equal to half the inside." That way the world has order and purpose and isn't just random. I really love math a lot, in case you couldn't tell.

Smells remind me of things too. Maybe that's because I have a pretty sensitive sense of smell. Its the first thing that I notice about a person or a room. Like peppermint reminds me of clean hair and Christmas. Or the strange hospital but not quite hospital smell that is discovery reminds me of when I got my microscope. Once I find a smell I like, like in my perfume, it really bothers me to change because I think that if other people make that memory/smell connection, I don't want to mess that up. Though I'm not sure what kind of memories people form about me. Maybe it would be better if they didn't remember them.

I think that swimming makes you more tired than any other form of halfway exercise. You don't notice that you are tired or sore until after you get out of the water. Its like water has magical properties. It is a polar molecule. That doesn't sound too impressive to know, but on the giant science crossword I said that it was a molar molecule. I didn't think that molar made much sense... Now every time I drink a glass of water, I remember that case of mistaken molecule identity.
PrincessC

Appearance is Everything... Or Is It?

"Pretty people." We see them everywhere. Magazines while waiting in line at the grocery store. Commercials that you can't seem to avoid these days. The pointless advertisements on websites that no one reads. Everyone seems to care about how they look. But maybe pretty isn't the cooker cutter image we seem to think it is. Maybe not everyone needs to be the same height and size and have each hair on their head in the exact same place as everyone else. That would make the world a really boring place. Everyone has different ideas, and honestly, without the ideas that come from everyone, we wouldn't be able to advance. Without the knowledge of how to build houses, it wouldn't matter if we were pretty or if we could build a computer, because we wouldn't have anywhere to live. Everyone contributes to society. Not everyone is cut out to be a person on an ad. But just because they aren't on the cover of magazines, doesn't make them not pretty. Pretty has to do with the mind. Or at least it should. I realize that people are mainly shallow and really care about appearance, but they maybe shouldn't, because there are so many more important things to worry about. If I find the cure for cancer, people shouldn't care what my hair looks like. And people should never think that the only thing that they have is their appearance. People have depth, they can't just be something as superficial as good looks, they aren't mannequins. Some people know things about celebrities and other culture things. Some people are super nice. Some people are both. Now some people are more athletic, and some favor thinking and intellectual things, but that doesn't make any of them more important or more attractive than the others. They both have great minds, and great hearts, at least in a perfect world, so their appearance shouldn't matter. I really wonder how many people think appearance is the most important thing. Like they wouldn't care if the person was the most horrible person in the world as long as they looked nice. Or how many people would not spend time with their friends because they have to go get their hair done or have to go tanning, and then look "nice" and then be all lonely. I personally don't think that appearance is all that important, it just matters how they act.
PrincessC

Dreams, Sweet Dreams

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tjIssqHQJ6o
"A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come shining through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true."

Believing in dreams is something we seem to lose when we get older. Small children believe without proof. They don't worry about things. They don't plan out every detail of things. They take life one day at a time, and they know that dreaming is important. They dream things, sometimes impossible things, but they don't think about how impossible they are, they focus on how much they love them. When we get older, people tell us no, that we can't do things, that things aren't real. They kill our dreams. And we sadly, slowly lose the ability to dream. Dreams are nothing if you don't believe in them. But dreams should be everything. They tell us things about ourselves. They give us hope for the future. They pick the good out, and show it to us, show us that no matter how bad things seem, there is one thing, one shining light, that we have that gives up hope. Dreams make you happy when sometimes nothing else can, because they may seem a little impossible, but they show what you want, what you would love to have more than anything else. And that gives you joy. Truly nothing is impossible, if you dream of it, and you want it, you work towards it, you can make your dream a reality.

Nightmares are an unfortunate fact of dreaming. They take these magical, joyful things and turn them upside down. But they aren't a waste of dreams. Because they still tell us things about ourselves that we need to know but might not any other way. They show us our fears. They show us what we don't like, what we don't want, and maybe at times, when we want things aren't good for us. I don't like nightmares anymore than anyone else does, but you must have a certain level of appreciation for them, because they do give us knowledge at times, if you know how to read them.

I believe very much in my dreams. I love having them, and I love imagining that they will come true. I really want them to come true, and they really should. I take my dreams very seriously, and spend a lot of time thinking about them. They really are very important things.
PrincessC

Those People

School. I am beginning to think that the only reason it is even important anymore is for the social aspect of it. The education system is so corrupted that you don't learn anything. It is too streamlined and standardized for it to really help us out very much in the future. They make you take certain classes so you get exposed to everything and then slow everything down so everyone can get it. So what happens is you learn a little bit about a lot of things, but not as much as you should have learned in that course. Where as if they let you pick what class you wanted to be in, for instance chemistry since you know that you don't much care for biology, then you would have a class of really dedicated students that cared and actually wanted to learn and then you would actually learn things. But no, they don't like that idea. You may wonder who "they" are, for I speak of them often. "They" are the "leaders", the people that are in charge of stuff and end up ruining half of it. Not all leaders are bad, and leaders are definitely needed, anarchy is bad. But sometimes leaders need to get and actually use more insights from the majority of people, and they need to consider the minorities with great respect and esteem, so that the world can have progress and grow stronger and wiser.

But school. It is a place to see people. For instance, today. Today was actually a really good day (at least the beginning of it was, more on this later). I didn't see the people that I normally do, which since I am anti-change (which you already know), I wasn't sure that I was going to like. But I walked in that building with an open mind (and full and very noisy water jug a.k.a. "hydration container") and was pleasantly surprised. There are people there I can actually talk to. Its a little boring, Frisbee should not be considered a sport, though it isn't exercise intensive so its not a terrible activity. And technically it is called "lifetime activities" so maybe they are teaching us how to play with our dogs. I'm pretty certain that my lifetime activity will be done somewhere in a lab doing something science related, but whatever. There were some people that I knew, with one I had an interesting conversation about germ-x which led to a quite memorable quote. I'll save that story for a later time. And I suppose that I knew all of them vaguely. But now I believe that I have formed some nice friendships with those people.

Now for the part that is becoming the usual: my like/dislike section. Truthfully I suppose it is all like that, but not quite exactly. Anyways, for today...
Every time that someone doesn't want to talk to me, I find myself being hurt. I love to talk. I talk all the time. I didn't used to, but I do now. And I talk to anyone and everyone. But when my best friend doesn't want to talk to me, I feel basically like a complete failure at life. My friend should be able to always talk to me about anything, anything that upsets or excites or anything at all. But apparently I am the worst best friend ever, because its not like that. I think that sometimes he thinks that I get mad at him, but I never do. I get mad at myself for not being the friend that I should be to him. Maybe its because I talk too much, or maybe because I think too much, or perhaps because I dream too much. Whatever the problem, I am determined to find it and fix it. Because he deserves that.
PrincessC

Anticipation...

The more you want something, and the more you can't have it, the slower time goes by while you're waiting and wishing for it. This applies to so many things. When you want to shower because you are gross but have to wait hours before you get home, it seems like its taking days. When you are waiting for your birthday or for school to start again, that takes centuries. Waiting for your best friend to get off work so he can talk to you: eons. The only thing longer than an eon is... I'm not really sure, but had I known that I would have said that is how long it feels like you are waiting for your best friend to talk to you.

Uploading videos on YouTube takes a long time. Making the video so you can put it on there takes even longer. What happens to me is that I get one part good, really good, perfect, and then I watch that part a million times because its so good. And I get so excited and then forget that I still have 3 minutes of music still left to add clips too. Its quite the dilemma. Then I realize that I haven't gotten very far at all, and it won't matter how amazing it is if its never finished. Then I get discouraged and get back to work with a slightly sad attitude. And then after hours of working and it still seems to be not getting anywhere, at least not anywhere in a hurry, I just throw things in because I get bored and want it done. I am getting better at not doing that though. At least when it comes to movies. Things like logic puzzles, crafts, cleaning, if it seems that not much progress is happening, I just quit. Luckily I don't just give up on people though, because sometimes it takes some getting to know me before you want to be my friend, and then if I didn't let people do that, I wouldn't have very many friends. I don't have many close ones now, but I wouldn't have any sort of acquaintances and maybe not my close ones had I not been a little patient. I know people certainly have to be patient with me. My video, should you like to view it, can be found here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sKtor8ULDjI

When you are afraid of something, I think that might be when time drags on the longest. When you are afraid that someone close to you has been hurt, and you wait to hear something from them to make sure they are ok, time goes by so slowly. Its worse than waiting for them to get off work. Trust me, I would know, I live this often. When you are afraid of the dark, night never ends. I don't think its really a fear of the dark though, I think its a fear of the things that are in the dark. Or a fear of being isolated and alone. Not really of the dark itself. Because if you have someone next to you that you trust, you aren't afraid anymore, because you aren't alone. Perhaps all fears are like that, they don't matter if you have someone you love next to you, you know that everything will be ok as long as they are there.

Yesterday, I talked about things that I disliked. Today, I will mention briefly something that I do like. Making my best friend smile. Its something that I always strive to do, something that I love doing. When he smiles, it makes me smile, his laughter is very catching. When he is happy, it makes something inside of me feel like its glowing. I think that might be happy that you get inside of you, the glowing feeling, not just the smile on your face happy like you try to act in pictures. Which that never works, it almost always looks forced. Unless you actually have reason to be happy, smiles don't normally look very convincing. Because it has to do with the way your eyes look. If the eyes don't sparkle, probably due to the inside glowing feeling, then its not true happy. But doing something that makes him happy makes me feel very good, and it makes me very happy.

Tomorrow school starts again for a month. Summer school. I spent a week bored, and then when I finally find something to do and enjoy summer, school starts again. Such is life. I will now reflect upon how I made my best friend smile today, with the video of which the link is posted here. I think I should sleep well tonight, I always do when I am happy.
PrincessC

Space, Please

There are things that I do not like. I speak very loudly. Therefore everyone, whether I know them or not, probably knows what I like and what I don't, for I am not ashamed to speak my mind loud and proud. One thing I don't like: doctors. Doctors, dentists, and things put into a category with those types of people, I dislike. They are all up in your business, both by asking questions and by just poking you and looking at places and things that you should not let people do. Its really bad with the dentist I think. The doctor just asks lots of things and then looks in your ears and then you leave. Not that terrible. But the dentist gets all friendly and handsy all up in your mouth, which no one should have entrance there. That is inside of me, you shouldn't be all looking and touching and investigating inside my body. Its weird, you don't do that. How would you like it if I just stuck my hand in your mouth and felt around everywhere and looked everywhere? I wouldn't ever do it because its gross. And you actually probably would freakishly like it. I went to the dentist once, and I don't plan on ever going back. Disgusting and disturbing.

Something else I don't like: getting my hair cut. Now these people aren't all up in your space to terribly bad. But in order to get your hair cut, you have to be seated. I don't like sitting in public, even at school, I would much prefer to stand. When you are sitting, you are weak, powerless. Especially when you are practically lying down in a dentist's chair or when getting your hair washed. By standing, you have more power. You have the power to run away. You have the power to fight. Standing is good. When sitting, you don't have the power to run. You barely have to power to move at all. You can't fend off an attack easily while sitting. Something else about getting your hair cut: you have to be careful who you trust to do it. Hair grows back, this is true. But waiting for it to grow out once you get something you really don't like takes ages. Maybe not literally, but it certainly does feel like it.

One last thing that I don't like: change. Simple, small changes that don't affect much are fine. But when you start changing the schedule and basically the order of life itself, I have a problem with that. Making dinner an hour later one day, totally fine. Deciding that you are going to not talk to me for a week and then when you do talk again it is very infrequent: not fine. Changing your entire life schedule at the drop of a hat: very not fine. Such is the shock nature of summer. Very not fine.

Something I do like: space. I mean this in both that I must be able to have my own personal space, and outer space. Both are very important to me. Looking at the stars and being able to breathe my own air are very nice things. Sometimes I am ok with not having all of my space, like if my amigo gives me a hug, that is fine, that is actually very nice. He smells good and is warm. But some stranger standing too close breathing down my neck is not good. Or teachers staring over your shoulder during a test, that bothers me so much. I will actually stop working until they leave. I really don't like people doing that. People standing behind me in general is something that I don't like, especially when I am sitting.

I feel like this post made a nice circle, it started sort of about sitting and ended sort of about sitting. I believe that my work here for the day is now done.
PrincessC

Time is of the Essence

Never underappreciate time spent with loved ones. It can heal the soul, bring peace to the mind, make your heart cheerful, and bring a smile to your face. If that quality time is spent playing video games, its even better. One person close to me doesn't enjoy video games though, but that person is my best friend, so it doesn't matter. Movies or just about anything is fun with him, as long as we do it together, it doesn't really matter what we do. Most of all I like to talk though I think. I love my best friend to death (if you didn't know that by now, you haven't been comprehending anything) but he always wants to be doing something, always wants to be busy. Which is fine, I like doing things like watching movies and playing games and all of that is good fun. But sometimes I would just prefer to talk, just sit and talk and enjoy each other's company. When we aren't together, we talk all the time. But when we are together, we hardly ever do. "Talk is cheap and time is money." Not everything is about money, time is something much more valuable than money, and talk isn't cheap, its something I treasure. Every word told to me I keep in my heart and appreciate. Countless conversations I am able to run through my head again because I have them memorized (when you have a memory as sharp as mine, that isn't too difficult) and whenever I feel a little sad or scared, I think of them and they make me feel better. There is one thing that will cause me to be upset quicker than anything, and that is when someone messes with my family. My best friend is a part of my family, because he is so close and important to me. So I'm not leaving anyone out when I say that I protect my family, or at least that I want to protect them. I can't be everywhere at once, so I can't always make sure that they are all safe. But I certainly would like to.

I'm not sure if this is how it is with everyone or not, but when someone is really important to me, I want to tell them. I want them to know exactly how I feel. But it seems like the words I pick are never good enough. When I try to explain how I feel, it doesn't seem like the other person gets exactly how important they are. I get really frustrated sometimes, because I really want them to know and they don't and then I blame myself so I keep trying to tell them but I never feel like I do a good enough job and I never feel that I tell them enough how much I care about them.

I always feel guilty when I don't answer my friends back right away. They tell me things because they want me to know and they want to know what I think. So it makes me feel really bad when I don't answer back soon. I have spent hours on the computer and gotten in trouble many times because I have to make sure that nothing important is told to me and I miss it. It doesn't even have to be something important, it could be something like "Hey, whats going on" and I would feel bad about not answering because they obviously wanted to talk and they probably actually care about what I am doing since they asked and I should answer them right away so they know that I'm not ignoring them or anything. I feel like its never the other person's fault if they don't answer me right away, maybe they just got busy or maybe I said something wrong or maybe I didn't answer in time. But I feel like it is always my fault if I don't answer, because I should always be there for them no matter what. That's just the way my mind works.
PrincessC

Whatever: An Assortment of Thoughts

Its weird, once you lose someone really important to you, you hold the people you still have really close to you, because you are so afraid of losing them. I think that may be why people hug you when you are upset, they want to show that they are there for you, and they exist and live and you still have them. Once you lose someone, you want constant contact with the people you love, just to make sure that they are safe and ok, and you really don't want to let them out of your sight, but you have to, because you know that it isn't right to keep them in a bubble. "I trust you, its the world and how it treats you that I worry about." That is how I feel.

I have listened to a lot of music lately. Online radio, quite the thing, I really enjoy it. Its good to get something new in your life sometimes. Other times its less than great, but new music is normally really good. I've written a lot of things too. I may post some of them at a later time.

Gardening is quite the activity. Especially if none of the tools you need work properly and you have to use rocks to plug holes in mechanical things and duct tape to keep tools from flying apart.

The day has been exceptionally long, and a little unpleasant. When you have bad dreams the night before and don't really sleep very much and then get up and then...I'm not sure, the day has just kind of came and gone, I'm not really sure what has went on. It involved cleaning and a lot of socks and a bunch of other really not fun stuff. Even my thoughts haven't been able to keep me cheerful. There was an extreme lack of person that makes my days perfect. Perhaps tomorrow I will be able to relay some deep topic or delightful news.
PrincessC

Secrets, Decisions

Life is full of decisions, that's something that they tell you when you are very young. You decide what you eat, what you wear, what you do, and what you don't. As you get older, you get more chances to choice. And also more chances to mess things up. Society has also changed as it has gotten older. It seems to me that the smarter we get, the stupider we get. We have high-definition television (smart, technologically advanced) that shows bad programming (less than intelligent). We are teaching the younger generations things that we didn't know at that age, we are causing them to lose their innocence earlier. But we don't seem to even care. Music, we have the ability to carry thousands of songs in our pockets, in something the same width as a pencil (smart) but the things that we listen to on those devices, the songs that we program into those devices (less than smart). If there is one thing in this world that you want to daily struggle to keep right, its your witness. How you appear to people needs to match with what you say.

I have a secret love. Country music. I'm not sure why, I used to tell people that I didn't like it, but I always really have. There is just something so...reminiscent about it. Its what my grandparents always listened to. I miss that time, those times when I would go over there, they were always so proud of me. We would always do jigsaw puzzles together, and I would always get upset because my grandfather wouldn't do it right, but he would always try to help. Things were so simple and peaceful and nice over there. Things could be so bad and then instantly better as soon as I entered that house. Once, it was the middle of a bad storm, but I wasn't worried at all, because nothing could go wrong when I was in that house with those people. I suppose that is what I am searching for now, looking for that peaceful place and happiness again. I'm not sure where or when I'll find it, but I'm not going to stop searching until I find it.

There is something else about country music too. The bus, the big yellow school bus. Back before I had any shame, I would always sing on the bus, sing along to the radio, which was always country music. I remember that I wouldn't always know the words, but it was country music which only has basically three themes, my woman loves me, my woman left me, and beer, so making up words isn't too difficult. No one ever seemed to notice, or they just didn't say anything. I hear rumors that I have a pretty nice singing voice, so maybe they just enjoyed listening.

I think that is probably enough reminiscing for one night.
Later,
PrincessC

Open Heart, Open Mind

Perfect. Everyone has different ideas on what they think perfect is. Some people think perfect is a song that comes on at just the right moment. Some people think that perfect is a beautiful picture in a museum. Others think that its a lazy afternoon on the beach, with no worries, no expectations, just calm and quiet. I know what perfect is. Perfect is an afternoon spent with your best friend, where nothing else seemed to exist, nothing else really mattered. Its hide and seek, its watching a movie, its jumping on a trampoline. Its anything and everything you can possibly think of doing, and it doesn't really matter what you do, as long as you do it with your best friend. That's what makes it perfect, not the activities, not the glitter and fancy shiny things, just time of togetherness.

My best friend really means a lot to me, more than he could possibly ever know. One of my favorite quotes of all time has to be this one: "A friend is someone who knows all about you and loves you just the same." Now there are about a million different variations of that quote, and I'm not entirely certain who the very first person to say it was, but it is one of the most truthful things I have ever heard in my life. There are times that I have thought "Well, I've really done it this time, he will never talk to me again" and then always the next morning I will get a message saying "Hey amiga!" and then realize how very lucky I am to have such a true friend. Sometimes I think that he doesn't see how he is there for me. I know I have moments at times when I am less than great company, because I let my sad emotions get the best of me. Every time, within two sentences, he makes me smile and completely turns my day around. My past isn't a great one, I haven't done a lot of amazing things, I've had some pretty low places. But that doesn't seem to really affect him, unlike has happened with other people. He honestly and truly cares, and my past doesn't scare him. And quite honestly, without him, I'm not really sure that I would be alive today. He has helped me so much. I really hope that I am always there for him, because he really deserves it.

PrincessC

Agitation, a Pencil, and El Queso Gigante

El Queso Gigante, The Giant Cheese. Surely nothing else in the world can beat its amazingness. What else can boast such grandness, and be the largest attraction in the entire grocery store, in the entire history of grocery stores, in the history of mankind? Ok, that may be a bit much, but you have to admit, this cheese is pretty great.

On to other business. I woke up this morning, after sleeping better than I had in a while, most likely after yesterday's post and the ability to release emotion and be understood, and then I innocently got on one of my choice social networking sites, and then nearly immediately got off. Why, you ask. Because some people have no heart. Some people care only about themselves, and no one else. And some people think that they are better than everyone else. All of these people you can't help but feel sorry for. They do not understand what it means to be a compassionate, loving, kind human being. To not understand love, to not be able to feel it and share it and know it, would have to be the worst thing that could ever happen to a person. Maybe that is judging them a bit too harshly though, and I have no right to do that.

Relay for Life is an important cause to my family. My cousin is a 18 year cancer survivor. My great grandmother and great grandfather died from cancer. So I am pretty excited to be a part of a team this year. The theme is birthdays, celebrating a world with more birthdays. I think its a really cool idea. If we can find the cure for cancer, people won't die from it, therefore they will live longer, celebrating more birthdays. Before I realized that biology wasn't my strong area of science, I always wanted to be the person to discover that cure. Not for the fame and glory, just to share it with other people, to help others. I think that would be really cool, to be able to help people that have been told for years that they have no hope, to make it so hearing "You have cancer" isn't any different from something like "You have a cold". Or even better, make it like smallpox: eradicated.
http://www.relayforlife.org/relay/

It's said that writing is the most powerful tool there is, that and your brain, which really go hand in hand, you can't write without a brain, well you can, but it won't be thoughtful writing. I write a lot (as I'm sure you can tell from this). I write random dialogue that I think of, poetry, everything. I was thinking earlier, it would be pretty cool if I could compile all of that into an actual story. Or if they made this blog into a book someday. I'm not sure if people would read it or not, but its an idea. My personal preference isn't to type things first, its to write them with a pencil. Especially poems, they need to be personal and thoughtful, something best done in pencil. I may go do some of that pencil writing now, I feel rather creative.
PrincessC

Dictionary Definitions and Happily Ever After

The main point of all fairy tales: the princess meets a prince, usually due to the whole "damsel in distress" thing, they fall in love, and everyone lives happily ever after. The villain dies, which I guess they don't live happily ever after, but no one seems to care about them. Or they live in banishment, which is probably worse than being dead. But the main point I am trying to make is that they make this huge deal about this happily ever after thing. I don't think its true. I don't think that maybe people are supposed to live happily ever after. Or perhaps I am just not supposed to live happily ever after. Maybe I am the villain, and just didn't ever realize it. I have always thought that I was the good one, but I imagine that the villain probably thinks that they are doing right too. Maybe I've got it all wrong, maybe I'm not supposed to find a prince, maybe I'm not a princess, maybe I'm not supposed to live happily ever after.

Or maybe the way I live requires me to rewrite the fairy tales. What if there is no prince, but that isn't a problem because I don't need one? Maybe I am a princess that just needs her best friend, someone that she can rely on completely, to make her live happily ever after. I did a lot of thinking last night. I thought about what and where the day had brought me and brought me to and brought me through. I don't think that I slept at all (that could have been because my mind was busy, or maybe caffeine and a three hour long nap in the middle of the day). Yesterday, I was honest. Honesty is good, it is so much better than lying. (Again, you really don't get a good reading on who I am and what I mean when I say things unless you read all of my posts.) Complete honesty is something that is respected, something that I expect from my friends. It also seems to be my complete honesty that gets me into the most trouble. If you look up the definition of trouble you will find:

1) a cause of distress, annoyance, or inconvenience

2) Princess Cameron

It is an unfortunate fact of life. If you look up the second definition in the thesaurus, you may find "possibly the greatest scientific mind of our generation" as a synonym, but that is really beside the point in this illustration.

I think maybe I have different definitions of like and love than other people do. Examples:

• I love my logic puzzles, they keep me distracted when I am sad, make me feel accomplished and good about myself when they are completed correctly.
  
• I like broccoli. A lot of people don't (at least considering that I still think like a five year old sometimes), most people think that it is yucky.
  
• I love my mother and father, just like I love my brother, just like I love my friends. They are all important people in my life, I can't imagine losing any of them, it would be devastating to me.
  
• I like my friends too, in a different way than I like inanimate objects, in a deep way, that is different than love, that is different than anything.
  

Ok, now before anyone gets out the torches and pitchforks and heavy machinery or tells me that I am the most contridictory person in the world, allow me a chance to explain myself. Then, if you still have a problem with me, we can discuss it later. I know what I have said before (like yesterday and January 3 and probably other times) but just hear me out.

To me, to like a person is to mean that I never want them to leave. I want to be (or at least feel like) a very important thing to them, be something that they couldn't live without. And...that's about it. I'm not so much for the labels of significant other, don't really think the whole touching business associated with "being a couple" is really for me. Maybe I just want a really close friendship and that's it. Which is why in my mind, I like them, because it is a deep feeling, but its not really the same as when other people think about like. And maybe that helps to explain my pretty poor definition that I gave in that January 3 post. And maybe you could really care less.

I think that is enough for one day, I feel very relieved to have released all of that. Perhaps tonight I shall sleep peacefully.

PrincessC

The Verse Mentioned in "Some Spanish, Some Religion, Some Life"

Matthew 19:12 For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it."

Some Spanish, Some Religion, Some Life

Twitter has been both good and bad for me. It is a way for me to tell my best friend something without actually telling it to him. Like I say exactly what I need to, I just do it in Spanish. So if he had the desire to read it, he could. But if not, then my secrets are safe. Not that they are exactly secrets anymore, but I like to pretend that they are. It hurts less that way.

I love God, really and truly I do. I love my church family, I love reading my Bible (that thing has got some good wisdom in it). In fact I was really excited about two weeks ago about this verse I found.
Matthew 19:12 (the text of which you can find in another post of mine)
It proves that asexuals exist, they aren't just some new strange unacceptable thing, Jesus knew about them and knew that they were good and that they should not be ridiculed for their lifestyle. At least that is how I interpret this. To each their own I suppose, if you don't agree with me.

Well that was some Spanish, and some religion, I guess the next would be some life. I suppose life is a mixture of the previous two, plus a little bit more. I have decided that if I were an aromantic ace, my life would be unbelievably easier. But instead, my life has decided to treat me unusually cruelly, and made me want something I can't have. That is almost as bad as not knowing something or liars (you would have to had read some entries before this one to understand what I mean by that). Perhaps by being ace or maybe just by being me, or maybe a combination of both but the point of origin probably doesn't really matter, I like to play it safe with everything I do. I don't take chances. I don't do stupid things that could kill me. I don't ride roller coasters because they cause me to be at the mercy of the metal and the ride operator, which means that I am no longer in control, and I do not like that. When I die, I want it to be completely my own fault, no one else's. So of course, before I can like someone, I have to know them. Not just know their name, but like every intimate detail about their life, so I can decide if liking them is a risk worth taking. Because deciding if you like someone or not is a risk. It may not kill you, but for about a year or so you kind of wish that it would, it would probably cause less pain that way. There is a saying around my household: God never gives you more than you can handle. I have clung to that for about a year and a half now, that gives me hope and strength. But I think that God might have me wrong, He must expect me to be Superwoman or something, because He really enjoys pushing me to my limits. Some days, I'm really not sure what to do, I would really hate to think how many nights I have spent crying. I used to tell people when I cried all night long. But I don't anymore. They don't care anyways, they don't understand, they just think that I am being a child and need to grow up. Maybe they are right, I don't know. But I don't think that I will be able to change anytime soon.

PrincessC

A Friendly Reminder

Dear readers,
It is nearly summer. The weather is warm. Please do not leave your heat on. You may not want to turn on the air conditioner yet, but please do not leave the heat on. Thank you.
Also, if you plan on causing your best friend significant stress by doing less than intelligent things, please don't. They really do not appreciate having to stay up late at night worrying sick about you.
I am very confused and fighting the desire to cry right now, so later.
PrincessC

Boredom and a Hurt Brain

I have found the never ending logic puzzle. I have been working on it for hours, and I'm still not getting very far on it. It's supposed to make a picture when you are done, but this one just looks like a blob. A sort of lop sided hourglass shaped blob. I think I may have messed up somewhere. Or perhaps it is just supposed to look like that. I'm not sure. But now my brain hurts.

The Google logo is a playable version of Pac-Man. I love video games, I think this may be the coolest Google logo ever!

I really feel like people are ignoring me. This happens every time I feel sick. Perhaps when I feel sick and sort of out of it that brings paranoia, not that my friends actually ignore me more. Either way I don't much like it.

The way this typing in a blog thing looks, it looks like you are writing a lot. But you really aren't writing very much at all. There is just a lot of space between everything, and then that straightens back out once you post it. Its very interesting.

So I'm really pretty sure that I will post regularly during the summer. Its only the first day and already I am out of things to do. I guess when your life is school, that's to be expected. I'm not sure how other people make it. Maybe they actually have a life and friends and hobbies.

I don't have room for Spanish class in my schedule next year. Hopefully my friends will want me to help them with theirs, so I will be able to keep it fresh in my mind.

I should write something philosophical now. Let us ponder, what is a question that the world has that needs an answer from the amazing me...
Black holes.
I have a theory on black holes, on what exactly they are. I think that they are entrances to either heaven or hell. It would make sense, nothing can escape black holes, their existence is questioned. They are interruptions in spacetime, just like either one of those would be, because time doesn't stop, you just aren't aware of it. I don't think it would make sense for them to be a different dimension, because you can't exist in different dimensions, once a day has passed, it doesn't exist on a different thread, it is over and done. There is only forward, not backwards. And to be able to travel into the future would mean to say that the future already exists and you are the past, which I don't believe is possible. And once you enter a black hole, the gravity is so great that any material thing is destroyed, so it must be something that only a non matter thing, like a spirit, can pass through. I think that my theory makes perfect sense. I'm not sure that science is going to much care for my theory though.

"Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind." Albert Einstein

PrincessC

Traditions

The older I get, the more I seem to like traditions. Like today, last day of school. I do the same thing on the last day of school every year. I get up, feeling fine, then somewhere between home and school, I catch some mysterious illness, then I spend the whole day at school miserable and then come home and go to bed. At least my body has enough sense to not get sick until summer, that way I don't have to miss any school.

Speaking of school, today it was very boring and pointless. I played cards, a lot. I really don't like playing cards. They asked me if I wanted to play speed, and I told them that I had no desire at all to get high. Apparently speed is a card game though, not a drug... One of my favorite teachers, the math one, not the science one, saw my distress however, and gave me nonograms (logic puzzle color by number things). And she didn't give me like five or six. No, she gave me like 50, all different. She is amazing. One finished picture was a pair of scissors. Another was the bio hazard sign.

Some people have the logic that you don't need to come the last day of school. To me, who knows logic very well, this is a very strange situation, for I, like always, carry this logic out too far and strange paradoxical things happen. I will explain the last day of school dilemma.
If you think that you don't need to go to school on the last day, that means that the day before the last day would be the last day for you. For example, if the last day of school is May 21, then then 20, would be your last day. But if you didn't think that you needed to come on the last day, then you wouldn't be able to come on the 20 either, because technically, it would be the last day for you. So then the last would be the 19, but then you couldn't go then either, because it would be the last day. This problem can be traced back so far, that the only way to not have a last day of school is to never have a first one. Make sense?

I think I might go try some more nonograms, since none of my friends are talking to me.
PrincessC

Great Things

They say that writing down stuff and telling people about your day is supposed to help with stress and stuff. Maybe that only works if you can remember what happened during a day though. Because I know that there was some pretty cool stuff that I was going to write here, and now I can't think of any of it.

I know one thing that I did today, that I am so super proud of. I finished a crossword puzzle. Now that may not sound very impressive, but it was a massive one, 200 words, all about random science things. Science club (which I am president of) had been working on this puzzle since January. Every time we would meet, we would add a few more words. Our sponsor (my favorite teacher ever, except for maybe the math teacher, I love her too) said that we should finish it before the end of the year. Tomorrow is the last day of school. I was determined to finish that thing. All this week, I have went before school, skipped (with permission of course) lots of classes (its not like we were doing anything anyways), and stayed a little after school to finish it. And I worked and looked in textbooks and searched the Internet to find the answers. And I did it. During last hour today, I wrote in the last word. I was very very very excited!

In Spanish class, my pinata won the contest. He is a Pooh pinata, and he is very cute. :)
And, good news, I now have a math class for next year. They have decided to have one. I was very glad about this as well.

I have hope for the next year, high school so far has been terrible. I haven't been able to take a lot of the classes I have wanted to, some other really bad things have happen (which we touched on in my first entry, I'm not sure how solidly though, just trust me, things have been bad). But maybe things are turning around. I have a best friend now, that I'm pretty sure isn't going to just suddenly hate me and leave me to cry for three months, that I could not love anymore than I already do (its a lot of love, he is very important to me). I have dealt with some things that I was just running from. I think that things are getting better. I have hope.
PrincessC

So, We Meet Again

Hey!
So its been months, literally, since I have written anything on here. You would think that would mean that I have a lot to say. But I really don't. I live a really average, normal, boring life. Perhaps not quite normal, since I have a strong love of logic puzzles (and also cheese, but that's really not relevant) and most people probably don't. But it is quite boring. Science is finally over, which is rather bittersweet, I am glad that its over and that I did well on my project, but now I have nothing to do. That was my life for months, I ate, breathed, and slept science. And now...there is nothing. Next year should be fun, I have quite the academically challenging schedule. That would strike fear into the hearts of most people, but not me, I face this with joy and hope in my heart. I don't have a math class though :( That makes me rather sad. Summer, there isn't much to do, so I will (hopefully) starting writing more often.

Right now, my music of choice is Evanescence. The songs are so powerful and emotionally driven and strong. Its amazing. Their CD Fallen, amazing CD.

I wrote something in English class (me being the overachiever I am, went way overboard) and I was quite proud with the way it turned out. My friends weren't really interested in it, but I can share it here.
His greeting was blatant, a nearly impossible perfect middle line between friendly enough and bored. For her, this put her great mood in jeopardy. Such a tone of voice should be frivolous but it was havoc on her touchy heart. She knew she was being ridiculous though, and gave him a chance to either change or validate her feelings. To her, love was as alimentary to her soul as green vegetables were to her body. Her high intelligence eclipsed her feelings though, and no one was able to see her emotions. Her smile was purely jocose, it did not truly show how she felt. As the days continued, she still kept her heart hidden and day after day, she was hurt. It wasn't as though he meant to, he didn't mean to at all, he simply didn't know. She was partially glad for the emotionless reading of text messages, so her true feelings weren't betrayed, but this was also the reason of her gradual destruction. She felt as though he ignored her feelings. She tried to tell him, many times she hinted, many more she told him directly, just in another language. He ignored this though. He would talk to her about other people, about his desire to be with someone. She considered telling him how she felt, so she could be with him and they could both be happy. But she simply couldn't. So he would continue to talk, and she would put on a calm face and listen, because when it came down to it, they were most importantly best friends. But as soon as he said good night, she lost composure and was miserable. It should be so easy, so simple for them to be together. And it would be so perfect, just like their friendship. But it is not easy or simple. So the cycle just continues.
Not the best story in the world, but I didn't think that it was terrible.

My mini me (my friend that is just like me, I mean we both have a love of Canada, we love math, everything I like she likes, everything I don't like she doesn't like, it is nearly creepy how much alike we are) drew an octopus for me today! He is a very cute octopus :) He even has a hat on.

I think that's about it. Perhaps tomorrow I will have some cool adventure to tell you about. I wouldn't count on it, but perhaps.
PrincessC

Science

Since its practically dominating my life (I would much rather spend time with my amigo, but then, I would rather spend time with him than do anything else in the world), I will tell you about my lovely science project .
I am trying to make hydrogen, well not directly, I am trying to find the "perfect" metal semiconductor to take energy from the sun and use that energy to split water into hydrogen and oxygen, then capture the hydrogen and use it as a fuel source. Its a pretty cool idea I think. It might not ever happen in my life time, but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't try and help the future generations and add to the knowledge base. I like being able to contribute something to science. Science is really important to me, its interesting, its fun (I'm a nerd, I know). Science is the study of the questions. Like when you ask "Why is the sky blue?", science can answer that. Or "How does an airplane fly?", science can answer that too. Being the curious person I am, I ask lots and lots of questions, its never good enough for me to just be told something, I have to know all the specifics behind it. And I hate not knowing something, I hate that more than anything else, except maybe people that lie, I absolute really hate people that lie.

I better go do some more science now.
PrincessC

Hello Again!

Hey, long time, no see!
Science: I love it, but honestly, its like once you start researching, you barely have time to breathe! I have started a blog of poems http://princesscpoetry.blogspot.com/ for anyone that wishes to view it. I wrote them a while ago and they are mostly free form. I will probably update that often, they are already written, most of them, and it doesn't take long to post them. This, however, this takes some time, I have to think of just the right thing to say (and you thought that I just kinda start rambling and muttering to myself on here ;) ) and that's something that I don't have much of. I may talk of my project on here on a later post.

I hate to just type and run, but its getting late and I'm getting sleepy. Later everyone!
PrincessC

Random=Me

Everyone in my family has pro status on Wii bowling. That is, everyone but me. It is very not cool. I will keep practicing though, and then, I will be better than all of them. *evil laugh* Not really probably, they are all pretty good, I just want to have a fancy ball like all of them that you get when you get pro.

I have a jealousy problem. I have been denying it for a long time, but I have one. I also have a problem with change, especially big changes and changes in people. Such as this....

My friend used to do everything with me. We would go everywhere together. Pretty much every Friday we would be doing something together. But it's not like that anymore. In fact, they don't really do anything with me anymore. It makes me quite sad. My dislike of change and of being alone has led to this sadness. But I will find something to end it. Such as randomly dancing and singing, which is what I did today and yesterday.

Not much in the way of talking, I have much on my mind.
Later
PrincessC

Friends, Squishes, Life

Squishes: one of life's great mysteries. I like you yet I don't want you. Does that make any sense? It does to me in the sense that I feel like that, but I don't think that normal people do. I told the guy that I have one on. I don't think he understood. He is one of my best friends ever, so I don't want to scare him off. So I think that I'll just act like I don't like him at all.

Something that is bothering me though is this concept of beautiful. I have been asked many times things like: Do you think that (insert name) is beautiful/handsome?, Who do you think is beautiful/handsome? And every time I am asked if someone is, I say yes, cause that just seems like good manners and I assume that since they ask me, they think so and want a second agreeing opinion. (Some day I know that those sly people I associate with are going to find someone they think is ugly and ask me and I will say yes and then they will know that I don't know what beautiful is) But I honestly don't know what beautiful is, that has no meaning to me. I don't know if someone looks good or not. I have no fashion sense. So I kinda wish that they would stop asking me, cause I really don't know. (That may be freakish, but you know what? That's OK, I don't mind being a freak, I kinda like it)



So I currently love Shakira's music. Since my discovery of her about two weeks ago, I love her. I think that Men in this Town has a quote that is meant for me "Is there a prince in this fable for a small town girl like me" (which I am almost liking this idea of staying single forever, so maybe that isn't a quote for me, but sometimes I wish I was in a relationship, so then it is) But I love her entire new album, She Wolf. There are some songs that I don't really care for, but I don't remember the names of them, since I didn't like them, but 90% of the cd is amazing.

My mother can not figure out how to get the video game system to work. I should go help her.
PrincessC

Impatience

Some days you can tell my impatience more than others.
Like today.
I have it in my head that I will find a black ring. I'm pretty sure that my parents think that I am joining a cult. But all of you ace people (if any of you are, or know anyone that is, or are a random researcher or whatever) know why. So I searched every store in the mall. Scary stores that I told myself I would never enter. Normal mother stores like Macy's. And I found nothing. My mother tried to help...well, at least she said that she was. I took her with me looking, and she kept asking why. Not sure that I am going to tell her yet. I just said that it looks cool and that's why I want one. Anyways, I found nothing and it made me quite upset. So then I took some plastic canvas and black thread when I got home, and just wrapped the thread around the plastic as tight as it would go, and look there, a black ring, and one that fits me perfectly. I think this is just a temporary solution, but it actually doesn't look that bad.

So I also told my friend that I am ace. Well, didn't actually say it, I said that I was looking for a ring, I twittered about it, they got curious, I twittered the origin of the black ring, they actually cared and looked it up (who does that? friends actually care?) and so now they know. I don't think they really understand it, but hey, who does? I don't understand them normal people either.

I think that you would all be interested in hearing this. I've wanted to tell my friends for a while, you know since it happened, but none of them want to seem to listen to me, so I'll tell you. I mean...you guys were totally my first pick....(there aren't any of you yet, so sorry that you weren't first, you probably would have been if you would exist).
I was walking in the mall, minding my own business. And I look to the other side of the path (you know how they got those vendor carts in the middle splitting up the hallway? well I looked to the other side of those) and I thought to myself, 'Hey, that person has clothes just like me....and hair too...and, hey whoa, they are moving at the same speed I am....and now they are messing with their hair just like I am....wait a second.'
I was looking at a mirror. I felt like a complete idiot.

I should probably get some sleep now.
PrincessC

Day One

First day of the new year...know how I spent it? The same way most of the world did; sleeping because I stayed up waiting for it to come. That custom seems to me to be one that needs to be questioned. The new year is coming whether we watch it come or not. We can't stop it. We aren't going to sleep through it, it will be there when we wake up. We will live it for at least 365 days. So what is the big deal about watching it come in?

The Olympics are in Canada this year. I want to go to Canada. I also want to go to the Olympics. So that would be the perfect trip for me. But the way its looking, I will just have to settle for watching it on TV and playing my Olympics game on my DS. But I also love my video games, so that's OK too. But I will go to the Olympics someday.

Sometimes I think I live too much in the someday instead of the right now. I have all of these plans for the future, but what if I'm not paying enough attention to what is around me right now? I might actually end up missing all of this someday. Not that I am unappreciative, because I always try to be very grateful for what I have. But the future just looks like it will be so much more fun than this present time is. I don't know, I will ponder some more on this and get back with you....someday.

I love yarn. I feel very cat-like saying that. But it is very interesting if you think about it. Its not quite thread, and not quite fabric. It is very complex yet simple, soft and movable, yet stuck in its own way. Yes, yarn is very nice stuff. Until those little fuzz things come off and get in your eye. Then its not so cool anymore.

Music is my love. Its in my head, it puts me to sleep at night, its always playing when I am at home. And it doesn't even matter to me what kind of music, I love all kinds. As long as the lyrics are good and it has a good sound, then I like it (except rap, it has no nice sound, sorry if that offends anyone, but I don't like it). Right now my songs are:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWdxXus1ULw: The Cliks (from Canada :) ) My friend showed them to me, and I like it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FLQgjEhH400: Shakira...I am learning Spanish (and I really really love it, you will probably notice if you read this enough, I like to throw it in randomly in conversations). Her Spanish songs led me to this. Which I realize I am like five years behind all of the music trends, but whatever.
And the other day, I discovered this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xtSZoAdBDo
It is basically the theme song of my life.

I should probably go do something productive now.
Later! :)
PrincessC