Friday, January 21, 2011

Insecurities

I am very much enjoying this daily Wii playing. I dislike that it makes me sweat, sweat is really icky, but perhaps it isn't bad for me. I think that most of the time people think, or maybe I just hope they think and try to act like, I have much confidence in myself. I truly don't. I never think that I am good enough. I always think that I have messed up somehow, and that people will hate me. I am even more like this with my best friend, which is absolutely insane, because he is the most loving and least judging person I know and I am very lucky to be able to call him my best friend. But I never think that I am pretty. No matter how many times people say that I am, I never believe them. I always have it in my mind that I am the ugly fat kid. I probably truthfully aren't, I don't think that size 9 is exceptionally large probably, but it doesn't matter, I still feel like I am. Maybe because I am short, or perhaps because I am not size 0, I just never feel really great about myself. Some days I do feel better than others though. Today, is just sort of an in the middle day.

I think that when people were making theories and laws and such, they forgot a very important one: the amount of love you have for another person is directly proportional, if not equal to, the amount of time you spend worrying about them. I feel like maybe I bring bad luck or something, because every time I care about a person, something seems to go wrong. It's really not cool. I really worry that something will happen to my best friend. I really don't know what I would do if it did, I think I would probably go insane.

I believe that is enough for the day.
PrincessC

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Snow Day

I really like the snow, it's very pretty. I have spent pretty much the entire day writing essays. In some ways, it has been really interesting. In other ways, very boring. I did play the Wii for a while, and let me just say, there are some crazy intense exercise games on that thing. I hate exercise, and I curse the person that decided to combine it with video games, which I am addicted to. Like there are jump rope games and you actually have to jump, and skating games in which to move you must run in place. My competitive nature wouldn't allow me to play nice and calm and lose, no, I must be fast enough to beat the ten year old. It was fun though.

I really don't know what else to say, there is a lot on my mind but I don't even know how to say it to my best friend, so I really don't know how to say it to random people on the Internet.
PrincessC

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Losing

Losing is not fun. Losing a contest that you worked really hard at entering for makes you feel very sad. But losing a person that you care about is even worse. I am fairly certain that I am going to lose my best friend, and I fear that it may be soon. I don't think that I will lose him because of death, though that is a very sad way to lose someone. But I think that someone will come along that is more important than me. Someone will come that will give him what I can't: a relationship, a romantic relationship. I know that is what he wants. And mostly, I wish so terribly that I could give it to him. Yet at the same time, part of me, the part that is arguably selfish, doesn't want him to have one, because I know that means that I will no longer be important. At least, I won't be as important to him, he won't be able to email me all the time, tell me he loves me all the time, want to randomly go places with me, or watch movies during which I basically crawl up in his lap. And what would happen if something happened between them, and they were no longer together? That would make my amigo become very sad, and I wouldn't know how to help him and make it better. I suppose that I would just have to be there for him, and I would, always, be there for him, but I would so much hate to see him be sad.

Losing your voice is pretty sad too. I always seem to lose mine the week of singing contest, and it always very much makes me nervous, but then somehow I am able to regain it before its time. Losing your hair is pretty sad, if you go bald.

PrincessC

Dis-appointments

Normally when I feel like this, I just find a way to sneak outside or something, and I sing because singing for me is like emotionally purging. But seeing as it is midnight, nearly one, and I can't stop shaking, I don't think that I can or should do that. So here I am; writing is the next best thing.

I'm not really sure why I am shaking so terribly, I don't know if it is from cold, not enough sleep, or just so many emotions pushed all together at once.

I hate when you look forward to something for a long time, and you get so excited for it, and then...it doesn't happen. This feeling is quite awful. Disappointment is a horrible, sad emotion. That could in fact be the cause of my shaking, which has (temporarily) stopped. It seems especially hard when you have dreams about it and they are amazing, and you talk to the person your plans are with about it, and they seem excited as well, but then it doesn't happen and the person doesn't seem sad about it, but you are really sad about it. And the shaking returns.

I love you. Why does such a small phrase have so many rules? Like it is ok to write it to your friends, but not to actually speak it to them. And parents are just kinda, you have to say it but you don't want to. But there are people that you would love to say it to, because they mean so much to you and you don't know what else you could say to show them that, but you can't because that would be weird. And you know, at least you are pretty sure, that you mean a lot to the other person, but all they say to you is "You look very pretty". It's a nice thing to hear, truly, but its just not really the same. I really would love to rewrite the rules so that you could say I love you to whoever you felt like, whenever you felt like.

I didn't think that my "main topic" of discussion would take very much space, nor would it get out all of the typing, emotional purging that I needed, so I cleverly made the title so as to go on to something else, yet make it seem related. Appointments. Doctor, dentist, hair; I hate all of them. Not because they are appointments, but because they are certain parts of me, like my hair for instance, that are not open to all people. I do believe that I have written about this before. But now I will work off of hair, since I have brought that into this. Hair to me, is like bonding time. For you to allow someone to play with your hair means that they get to be close to you, close enough to play with your hair, and that you let them touch a part of your body over and over again, I mean, if you think about it, they really are in your personal space, so you have to really know and like the person. Perhaps this is just me though.

I am getting very, very sleepy, so buenas noches. :)
PrincessC

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Desires and Hurt

My mother is one of the strongest people I know, if not the strongest.

While I was not sleeping last night, I thought of a pretty nifty way to explain something. Imagine relationships like college degrees. Some colleges have graduate schools and offer doctorate degrees. Other are two-year school, they offer smaller degrees. And then the typical four-year school. Now the relationships that romantic sexuals of any and all gender preferences actually label "relationships" are like doctorate degrees. And the relationships that aromantic, or nearly aromantic, asexuals call relationships, like the nice and warm and cuddly relationships that you have with a friend, are four-year degrees. An asexual person is a school that only offers the four-year degree, that is the highest they are able to give. So to them, that is the most important relationship you could ever have. And to those other 99 percent of the population, it's not. This most likely made a lot more sense in my head last night when I was half asleep. But perhaps it will make sense to readers such as yourself.

What I would really like to have is someone I could call mine. A best friend that calls me their best friend too, not just me calling them that. Someone that would love to spend so much time with me. Someone who would sit close to me and keep me warm because they care a lot about me. Someone that would hug me lots. Someone that would love me no matter what.

I don't think that you should mess with people's dreams. That is a pretty deep area, and can leave some marks if you aren't careful. Perhaps I have a really bad view on the world, but I think that if you dream something and it wouldn't hurt anyone for someone to just go along with it, then why shouldn't you? Like if someone wanted what I said that I wanted in the last paragraph, and that someone had dreams about another person, like a friend, being that person to them, and it wasn't hurting or really affecting anyone, why wouldn't you just let it go? Perhaps you could even hug them lots, not in public as it may get unwanted and unjustified attention, but perhaps in private, and it wouldn't ever hurt anyone. You could tolerate hugging, and perhaps even enjoy it, for the sake of your friend, so no one would be hurt. Seeing as amigoship is the highest degree I have to give, referring back to my explanation, I do not see where it would be a problem.

I need to find some lotion and chapstick now.
PrincessC

Saturday, January 1, 2011

The Power of One

I now know what I want to talk about. Traditions, superstitions, everything to do with New Years.

Tradition, by my definition, something that you, as in a single person or an entire group, have been doing for years. By years, I do not mean one year, I mean like centuries (note the plural -s ending, multiple years). Like you have been doing it for so long that you aren't able to imagine anything else. Think of breathing as a tradition. You getting up every morning, you eating every day at noon: tradition.

My tradition, due to superstition and family history: eat black-eyed peas on New Years Day. Luckily for me, I love them. My brother hates them, he never eats them. My family has had bad luck ever since we stopped forcing him to eat them. Coincidence....

I also watch the ball drop. Then wait up for an extra hour for midnight.

Something I believe very much in: how you spend New Years Eve is the way you will spend the rest of the year. I stay at home a lot, with my family. How do I spend New Years Eve? At home, with my family. Apparently I haven't gained any friends to party with throughout the year. But this means that it's a very true saying. My amigo spend New Years Eve with his amigo. How does he spend the year you may ask? With said amigo. As my favorite movie, Kung Fu Panda, would quote, "There are no accidents."

I would like to take this time to say, again, something I feel strongly about. You are in a relationship with every person you know. You are in a relationship with your mother, that's called a family relationship. Your worst enemy, a really bad relationship. Your best friend, a friendship, or a friend relationship, or the word I use that still has strangely not caught on yet, an amigoship. Romantic relationships aren't the only ones. I could say I'm in a relationship with my mother, but that would get some odd looks on Facebook probably. But it is very true. I have a pretty nice relationship with my mother as well.
PrincessC

1/1/11

First off, I saw this really nerdy joke at a knowledge bowl tournament I was at, and thought I would share.
There are 10 types of people: those who understand binary and those who don't.
:)

Today is January 1. I should probably have a resolution. I don't. I would make a resolution to spend more time with my amigo, but I can't really control that, and I'm sure making resolutions for other people to follow is breaking some law, so I won't. My other idea: learn how to drive. I'll get back with you on how I decide on that one.

Last night, I won Monopoly by owning all but 10 properties. Tonight, I lost just as epically. That's just the way the dice rolls I guess.

I am currently waiting for my amigo to get off work so that we may do something together, yet from far away. It sounds complicated, but it's really not.

I had something really great to talk about....I should have written it down, because I don't know what it was.

You know those people that you get behind in the grocery store, that buy the most random things and you look at them like "What?". That's my family.

2010 had some pretty good music, like I like that the Atari was mentioned in the song "Forget You" (which probably has a more recognizable other name, but that will not be mentioned here) because I love video games. It also had some not so great music, such as Nicki Minaj.

I think that's all the random stuff I can think of.
PrincessC