Love

Once, someone at my school told me that I was incapable of loving. The person that said this obviously does not know me at all, I wouldn't be surprised if they don't know my name. I may have done a post like this before, or perhaps I didn't go as in-depth with it as I will now. If I've done it before, I apologize for wasting time and Internet space, but it's really weighing on my heart right now, and needs to be said.

I know that I spend a lot of time talking about my best friend. But, that's because I spend a lot of time thinking about him. I have had "best friends" in my life before, and they have been wonderful people (well, most of them, long story that I try to not think about), but never have I felt as close or as important to a person as to my amigo. I can't explain why, but I read somewhere that love doesn't have a reason or explanation, it just is. So, it doesn't matter to me why I love him, or why he really cares about me. All that matter is that it is real. It's not made up, it's not like I imagine everything and he really doesn't care about me, I just make it up in my head to make myself feel better. I have done that in the past, find people that don't really care that much about me, but I pretend that they do. Or I have just flat out made up imaginary friends. But this isn't, this is very real. I think that might be why he means so much to me, and why I so desperately don't want to lose him.

I would do a lot for my best friend. If I thought it would make him happy for me to be a size zero, I would work so hard making that happen. If I thought it would make him happy for me to do just about anything, I would do it. Recently on Twitter, @asexuality asked the question, "If you could take a pill to change, to make you become sexual, would you take it?" I would most confidently have said yes, if not for one thing. I know that my best friend is super romantic, and I know also that I want so much for him to be happy. I know that he can't be happy with me for forever, and it would be so selfish to expect that. He has absolutely no idea how much I would change for him. If I thought it would make him happy, I would, no questions asked, take that pill. He gets so sad sometimes, and he really doesn't understand how much that really hurts me. Even without this hypothetical pill, I would change, I would have to pretend for a while, but I think I could make myself change, it wouldn't be easy, but I would do it if that would make him happy.

I don't know if my best friend ever comes here and reads this blog. Really I don't know if anyone does. I also don't know if my best friend will ever read what is written in this post, I don't know if I will tell him, as I do most of the time I post things, in an email, or if it will forever go unknown to him. He may need to know the information here, it may forever change our friendship, it might make him so happy. He also may think that it is so stupid that I would be willing to do that, that I would be willing to change so much for him. All of you (if there are any) might think that it is the stupidest thing you have ever heard of. But I don't think that it is, I think that it is perfectly fine, and what love is supposed to be.

PrincessC

Valentine's Day

If there is one holiday a year that strikes fear into the heart of every asexual person in the world, it would be Valentine's day. Maybe it is not exactly fear though, more like confusion. And maybe it does that to everyone, or maybe just me. But whatever the case and quantity of people affected, here I sit, February 11, very not knowing what to do. (This intro is very Grinch-like, "maybe his head wasn't screwed on just right, but whatever the reason, his heart or his shoes, he stood there on Christmas, hating the Whos.") It is something that gets to me nearly every day of my life, this conflicting of thoughts, but around this time of year, it's multiplied. No one wants to be alone, everyone wants someone that they can call "mine". But not everyone wants a relationship, sometimes you just want a really great friendship, someone that loves to spend time with you and is always there for you, but friends also have "real" relationships and other friends, and they can't be with you all the time. It's very....not understandable.
PrincessC

Happy

I am happy. I am really really happy. I don't really know why. I haven't really done anything exciting today. Normally when I am this happy, it is because I have seen my best friend. But I have not seen my amigo in a while. I would like to change this soon. But he did tell me a story today :) He doesn't tell me stories often. Probably about only one every six months. But when he does, it makes me endlessly happy. Sometimes I worry that I want things different from what he wants, but his stories tell me that he does want the same things as I do. And that makes me so very happy :) It is so nice to be able to have nice dreams, something to hope and long and look forward to. And someone to share those dreams with :)

I am also playing a game about zombies. I like when they eat people.
PrincessC