For a while, I thought I was just another heterosexual person. That was wrong. Of course, at this time I was about seven years old and thought it was against the law to not be what society claimed as "normal".
Then, I classified myself as a romantic asexual. OK, that made more sense. I wasn't attracted to anyone physically. I didn't desire the "required parts" of a sexual relationship. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life alone. I still want the hugs and hand holding and the exclusive feeling of a relationship. So this is what fit me, right?
But then, as I got older and older, I thought, "Well maybe, just maybe, I could have a great friendship. They could live with me, they would always be there. Perhaps even a friendship would be enough for them too. We would never want anyone else. We would never want to do anything gross. We could hold hands and hug and maybe even sit really close to each other while watching movies on cold winter nights. It would be perfect." So then, I was an aromantic asexual. That was the shoe that had the perfect fit. Right?
But what is allowed? This topic on AVEN led me to a Wikipedia page on "Romantic Friendships". (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Romantic_friendship) What? Romantic friendships? Is that what I want? Or perhaps an asexual relationship? Is there a difference? Is not romantic friendship an oxymoron? Romantic friendships are a very close, non-sexual relationship in which friends may do things like hold hands, hug, and cuddle. Isn't that like what I said that I wanted? But then maybe not, because friendship implies that they are not a "relationship", it doesn't have to be the only relationship in a person's life. And doesn't romantic still have that potential to become something sexual in nature? Romantic is this "falling in love", being "in love" type of feeling.
Alright, so I think that somewhere within that, I have came to the conclusion that a romantic friendship is not what I am after. And I am not romantic. So aromantic asexual it is. So do I want an asexual relationship? Relationship, to my knowledge -- which is the only one that counts in my emotional life I believe -- means that exclusiveness. That not needing anyone else, that being completely happy with just each other. This is what I want. I want to be able to sleep at night comforted by the fact that someone will always be there for me. Someone will always want to talk to me. Someone will never leave me for someone else, someone better. But then relationship, too, almost means that it may or may not last forever. Friendship, however, seems more permanent, except for the fact that friends leave you for relationships while relationships only leave you for other relationships. So is there not any of them that will last forever? Is there not some sort of commitment that means forever? You can have more than one friend, but not be in more than one relationship. Or can you? My best friend seems to be handling it fairly ok. Given the fact that I was about 99% sure that he was in a "real relationship" yet kept denying it cause he hadn't actually told me yet and I certainly didn't want to believe it because I was perfectly happy with being the only "relationship type thing that remains still nameless" in his life, I've only "known/believed" for like two days, but everything seems fine. It kinda feels like maybe he is cheating on me though, like I wasn't good enough for him, like I couldn't provide him all the things he needed. It's not like I didn't want to, there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't wish that I was basically the complete opposite of how I am (in more ways than one) so that I could be that exclusiveness in his life, would be able to provide him with all that he needed and wanted. I knew that I couldn't be that though. I just kinda kept hoping that he would (like me) realize that all that romance stuff was unnecessary (except I was a lot younger and didn't really know what I was then so I didn't really change, just changed my definition of me). But I wanted him to have a relationship, wanted him to no longer be depressed, wanted him to be so happy. But I also tried so hard to be the closest thing to that relationship as I could, desperately tried to figure out what exactly people in relationships do (like talk to each other a lot and give each other things and spend time together) and tried so hard to do those things for him, to convince him that I was the only thing he needed in his life. Almost ironic really, the same way sexual people try to convince asexuals that they just haven't found the right person yet, I was trying to convince my best friend that he just hadn't found the right friend yet, but once he had, he would realize that an amazing friendship was all he really ever needed. So I wanted him to be happy (the reason I wanted him to have a relationship because it is the only thing that seems to make him happy no matter how hard I tried), but I wanted him to be happy with me.
Having said all that, I think maybe for me (maybe everyone) best friendship = asexual relationship. At least, I wanted it to be that, I wanted it to be something "more" than a friendship, not for me, but for him. Friendship means forever to me, I would never leave my friends, and I don't have "relationships" so best friendships are that exclusive, more close relationship. But for him, it wasn't exclusive, he still wanted more. Am I unintelligent for wishing that, wanting so badly for him to just need me, to just always have each other? I don't think so. I'm still not giving up the hope that maybe it might possibly be true someday. I mean, from what I understand, the only part of "romance" that friends can't provide you with is the sex part, but I mean really, if you've lived without it for years and years while you were growing up, why would you need it now? I plan on being perfectly happy without it.
Let's narrow down what we've learned today.
- I am most decidedly an aromantic asexual.
- No matter how hard you try to make your friendship as much like a relationship as you can, it's unlikely that it will be enough for your very romantic friend.
- But I still keep the hope that someday maybe I will be enough, just maybe.
Well, I certainly typed a lot to only come out with three concluding statements.