Anniversary

I have had this lovely blog for exactly one year now (well, at exactly 11:34 tonight I suppose, but who is counting that close). My resolution for this year, about writing every day....I did well for a while, until school and summer school and life got in the way. Actually, as I write to you on this New Years Eve with nearly spring-like weather, I am trying to complete my homework. Death of a Salesman analysis. I don't suppose that it is a bad play, but I don't think that I would read it for fun.

Speaking of anniversaries, today is my grandparents' 45th wedding anniversary. I think that's pretty cool, that people can stay together for so long. [ random interjection: I love when it's 3:14, the time of pi :) ] I would certainly like a friendship to last this long, think how much you would know about each other and how much you would care about each other after this long. That would be so very nice :)

Strange question that I have always wanted to ask in a survey: when you get dressed, do you put your pants or shirt on first? But I worry that people would consider this too much an invasion of privacy, therefore I hesitate to ask.

One thing that I am very excited about in this new year: Britney's new cd!!!! I will have to add to my poem of every Britney song once I know the names of the tracks. One thing that I am not so excited about: the graduation of a lot of my friends. But I know that they have earned it, and hope they wont forget me, and trust that everything will work out how it should. And with this optimistic view of the future, I close this post, as this seems like a good place to end and for some reason I am very dizzy and need to lay down.
PrincessC

XOXO, More O, Less X

As I promised on Twitter, I will now write in honor of Asexual Awareness Week. I'm not entirely sure, it may have officially ended yesterday, it depends on if it is a 7 day week or a 5 day week. In any case, I shall now write about it.

I have really thought long and hard about what I want to tell you lovely blog readers, what the world needs to hear. This is the best I could come up with. I have noticed that people always say "us" and "we", whether it be "us straight people" or "we as the asexual community" or any other collective group of whatever is your personal pleasure. I am not sure that I completely agree with this. Yes, there are groups of people, but to say that everyone in that group does one thing or feels one way isn't the case. Every individual is different. Some asexuals enjoy being in a relationship, some just enjoy friendships. Some people think that hugs are nice, other people don't. Some people have different boundaries on what type of relationship does what, such as, is it alright for friends to hold hands. There is one base common belief that binds all of a group of people, but the finer details, not everyone is going to agree on. Personally, I think that I'm not really into the whole relationship thing. I used to desire it some, though thinking back, when I always thought of growing up and what my future would be like, there never was a guy or girl involved, I didn't place much importance on getting married. Now, it just doesn't really have any appeal to me. Maybe something in my future will change that, I'm not against it exactly, I just don't see it as very important, as long as I have my friends and family, more friends than anything I suppose, I seem to be slowly losing parts of my family, then life will be amazing. On the topic of friends, I think that hugs are very important, and I see nothing wrong with holding hands, I don't view it any differently than if I were to hold hands with my brother or parents. In the eyes of the world we live in, it is mostly likely and unfortunately not seen like that, and therefore I don't hold hands with my friends as it is easier to not cause confusion, and I do not know how my friends feel about the issue.

The title of this post I quite like. It used to bother me, not knowing what was hugs and what was kisses. Now, after searching the Internet to determine that most people say that x is kisses and o is hugs, I have found a way to remember which one is what. Kisses are, for me, not really wanted, like kiss on the cheek is fine, but other than that is gross, yet strangely fascinating, but anyways, therefore they are x, unwanted. Hugs are nice and warm and round and I very much enjoy them and o is just a nice round and warm and friendly letter. This may be how all asexuals feel, but as I said early, everyone is a little different, therefore everyone should make decisions for themselves, not feel as if they have to do certain things to fit in a group.

I think that this is a pretty nice post to honor such a special week. I tried to wear black, as seem to be an asexual color, especially when viewing the graduated triangle that is our "symbol", and succeeding in wearing mostly black, but no one commented or seemed to notice. I suppose that could be either bad or good, or neither.
PrincessC

Shadows

Its a fairly normal title, shadows, but this is going to be a very deep (hopefully) post. Shadows are part of you, they are you in essence, but they are also separate from you, something wanting to imitate you, following your every move, but cant quite be you. You can never be rid of your shadow, it will go with you wherever and always be part of you. Your mind is the same way, all the memories, the mistakes, the downfalls, the ups, the praise, all will be with you for the rest of your life, and no matter what you do, you can not be rid of them. You can attempt to cover them up but even that will not destroy them, and you will still have to deal with them. But your past, as well as your shadow, can be put behind you, as long as you look forward into the light.

Metaphorically, the shadow seems to be very multi-talented. Shadows represent death, and darkness. They are the opposite of light and life, they are something you don't want to face. They are also your deepest hidden secret, the part of you that you don't want to exist but is there for the entire world to see, and no matter how you try to run from it, it follows you. But in art, it draws the line between the good artist and the great artist. It is what makes things go from dead and fake and flat to alive and real. The shadow to me means lots of different things. The shadow is your clone, the thing that you have from birth until you die, that is you, that is of you, that is unfortunately yet thankful ever silent. Anything you have seen, your shadow has as well. Anything you've done, your shadow did it too. Anything you think, your shadow was there preying on your mind, taking what is yours and making it theirs as well. Even now as I type, my shadow types with me, imitating my keystrokes exactly, yet making no impact. It is rather sad I believe, that this thing is forced to be with you yet can not truly do anything at all. It can not complain, it can not move, it can not be free of you.

I keep referring to the shadow and the conscience, your mind. I think that this is the thing that sticks out to me the most. When you see something you don't want to, hear something you don't want to, face something you don't want to, that thing becomes a part of you, whether you want it to or not, and it is there with you for the rest of forever. No matter what, its in your mind, and it can make you laugh or haunt you any time it wishes. You have no shield from it, it just happens at random, with only the tiniest spark of outside influence telling it to appear. Its just like a shadow, the smallest speck of light, and its there. Every time.

What You Say, What You Mean, What I Think

Haven't been on here in a long time, what's been happening blog readers?
I've been up to a lot it seems. I went to an Adam Lambert concert and it was absolutely amazing!! It was made even better by the fact that I went with a great friend. :) I got some blue hair, not like "My hair is completely turned neon blue all over" but some pretty bright blue stripes. I guess they call them streaks when dealing with hair. Actually, that's all I've been up to lately of much significance, but you have to admit, its a pretty amazing thing to do.

I made a fantastic realization the other day. I have a great uncle that has been single and happy for over 75 years. That's amazing! Its like an inspiration to aces everywhere! You don't have to be what society wants, you really and truly can be single and happy for your entire life. Most aces, people in general, don't want to be lonely, and he isn't, he has friends and family always there for him, and that's all he needs. I think that this is truly awesome.

Sometimes, what you say is not what you mean. It seems that it is especially this way when you are typing. If you are talking person to person, you can see the reaction the person has, and accordingly fix what you said to explain what you meant. When you type, you can't. When you type, it is there and you can't take it back or explain what you mean if the person doesn't ask you to and they can read it over and over again and be hurt over and over again. And other times, you really want to say something, but you know that you shouldn't, so you don't, you type something that you don't really mean because you can't say how you truly feel.

As always, I will now combine the previous paragraphs into the last, and normally main, one. This isn't really a paragraph though, it is a chart. To an ace, or to me at least, this is what you say, and what I think. Not normally how I reply, but what I truly have inside my head.
Here is how to read it. You speak. I think.
I miss you sometimes. I miss you all the time. Sometimes I want to be alone. I can understand that, sometimes I like to be alone to concentrate on my video games. I would like to be in a relationship because I am lonely, and if I found someone, I wouldn't be lonely. You are in a relationship, it is called a friendship. Friendships can help you not be lonely, because friends love you. But if you are in a relationship, its different because you know that the person truly wants to be with you and you want to be with that person. I would kind of hope that you would truly like to spend time with your friends. I truly like to spend time with you. Yes, friendships are like that, but you don't get to hold hands or be all sweet with that person. You could hold my hand if you wanted to, it might be nice and warm, and friends are sweet and nice. I want to be in love with someone, and I want someone to be in love with me. Well I love you a lot, and you say that you love me a lot. What is the difference? I don't understand. You will understand someday.That's what has been bothering me for so long, like when I have a really down day I sleep, that's what's wrong with me, I get so depressed and I don't know why, but it hits me really hard some days. Perhaps I don't want to understand. I don't want to be sad like that, and I don't want for you to be sad either. I thought that our friendship kept you happy... I will always love you, and you will always be my best friend! Why can't I love two people? I want to have a best friend that I can tell everything to and who will always be there for me and I will do the same. And then have someone that loves me romantically and I love them romantically. Everyone has their best friend and the one they romantically love. I will always love you too. You can love two people; I love you, my family, and my other friends. That is more than two people. I'm glad that you can tell me anything and you are right, I will always be there for you. Not everyone has romantic love, granted they, we, only make up a very tiny percent of the population, but it is wrong to say that absolutely everyone does.

That probably makes me seem really emotionally jumpy, going from sweet to serious, but that is the working of my inner mind. Its kind of like a four year old. New meaning to the term "your inner child."
PrincessC

The Cards of Life

There is something strangely relaxing about shuffling cards. It makes you feel as though you are in control of chaos. Because the cards should, in theory, be in totally random order after a good shuffle, but you are in charge of how many times and what kind of shuffling. I think that is what we are all after in life. We all want to feel that we are in charge of the chaotic order of events that we call living. We are in charge of what we eat, and some take that power to the extreme. That in turn makes us in charge of our bodies. But still, there are countless powers working against our bodies as well, such as the weather, emotions, other people, animals, and the list could go on and on. So while we take actions to feel in charge, we really aren't totally and completely. That doesn't mean that we can just let things fall however they wish and give up on things entirely, its just meant to make us think about how small we really are and put things in perspective.

I think that each of us, in our hearts, has the making of a deck of cards. We all have the royalty of the face cards, the part of us that loves to be in charge. We all have the love represented by the hearts. The spades, which represent the desire to work and advance in life, as though you are gardening and working your way to the top or as though you have to fight and defend your position, as the spade is sharp. The clubs, which represent the fun, the normal, and hardships in life, how each is a different circle, but all are combined to make up a life. The diamonds, which show the purity and hope that each of us truly has deep down. Sometimes we do not always show the clear and shining diamond in our lives, but it is always there, even if caked in miles of emotional dirt and mud. All the numbers of course are part of every one's life, the world can not function properly and orderly without the use of numbers. And last, the aces, which represent not that only one person, yourself is important, but that you and three other people are needed. The ace of spades would have to represent yourself, as you know more about yourself than anyone else, and therefore it has the most intricate detail. Then the ace of hearts is the person that you love more than anyone else. The ace of spades is the person that you strive to be like, your role model. And the ace of diamonds is the person that you value and treasure and that help keeps you pure and hopeful.

There are a lot of ways to view the world, when you keep your mind open.

PrincessC

New Friends, New Perspective

Sometimes you meet a person that is so much like you that it isn't even funny. I know that I said my mini me is just like me, and she is, but I may have found someone who is even more like me. Being a nerd is great, I'm not ashamed to be one. But its a lonely life sometimes. To be good looking or popular or athletic, you have lots of friends, you get to spend time with everyone, you are never alone. But nerds don't have many friends, they all claim us as friends so we will help them and give them money, which we are so nice that we always do. And yet it seems to me like things are always unfair to us. People get in trouble for being mean to each other if you play sports, but when people are mean to the nerds, everyone ignores it. The "friends" always leave us when it really comes down to it. We use logic and see how it is unfair, and it makes us really sad, but then they always say something to make it seem like its our fault, I mean its not like we have that many to begin with, we really don't want to lose friends. Scientists and people with great intelligence have throughout history have been lonely people. They were sad and crazy because of this, which is a terrible thing, but no one wanted to be with them. They were ridiculed by society, and no one cared. Maybe cliques aren't a bad thing, maybe its really for the best, it keeps people more safe. Nerds aren't going to be mean to other nerds, because they know what its like. Band people like other band people, math people like math people. That may sound terrible, but I think its true. Its a way to make people unified, make them feel better about themselves by realizing that they aren't the only person in the world like them.
PrincessC

Love Prints

If you love someone, tell them
If you miss someone, find them
If you have someone, hold them tight and never let go
I may not know much, but this I do know
Love deeply and truly and leave love prints where you go

I am quite fond of this writing. I believe that it is truthful and meaningful. But one question might come to mind when you read it. What is a love print? A love print is like a footprint, only not. It's like a memory, an emotion. Everything that love is, laughter, smiling, fun, crying, sympathy, forgiveness, any emotion that is because of love, leaves a love print on that person's heart. And you can always look back at your love prints that people have given to you, and it will make you happy, remembering love. It might make you a little sad sometimes, like if that love is no longer with you, but mostly it will make you smile. So a love print is a memory footprint on someone's heart, and it is the best thing that you can ever give a person or receive yourself.

I know that I didn't post anything yesterday, it was raining, but I don't feel like making up for that today. I'm not really in the mood to talk much.
PrincessC