Love

Once, someone at my school told me that I was incapable of loving. The person that said this obviously does not know me at all, I wouldn't be surprised if they don't know my name. I may have done a post like this before, or perhaps I didn't go as in-depth with it as I will now. If I've done it before, I apologize for wasting time and Internet space, but it's really weighing on my heart right now, and needs to be said.

I know that I spend a lot of time talking about my best friend. But, that's because I spend a lot of time thinking about him. I have had "best friends" in my life before, and they have been wonderful people (well, most of them, long story that I try to not think about), but never have I felt as close or as important to a person as to my amigo. I can't explain why, but I read somewhere that love doesn't have a reason or explanation, it just is. So, it doesn't matter to me why I love him, or why he really cares about me. All that matter is that it is real. It's not made up, it's not like I imagine everything and he really doesn't care about me, I just make it up in my head to make myself feel better. I have done that in the past, find people that don't really care that much about me, but I pretend that they do. Or I have just flat out made up imaginary friends. But this isn't, this is very real. I think that might be why he means so much to me, and why I so desperately don't want to lose him.

I would do a lot for my best friend. If I thought it would make him happy for me to be a size zero, I would work so hard making that happen. If I thought it would make him happy for me to do just about anything, I would do it. Recently on Twitter, @asexuality asked the question, "If you could take a pill to change, to make you become sexual, would you take it?" I would most confidently have said yes, if not for one thing. I know that my best friend is super romantic, and I know also that I want so much for him to be happy. I know that he can't be happy with me for forever, and it would be so selfish to expect that. He has absolutely no idea how much I would change for him. If I thought it would make him happy, I would, no questions asked, take that pill. He gets so sad sometimes, and he really doesn't understand how much that really hurts me. Even without this hypothetical pill, I would change, I would have to pretend for a while, but I think I could make myself change, it wouldn't be easy, but I would do it if that would make him happy.

I don't know if my best friend ever comes here and reads this blog. Really I don't know if anyone does. I also don't know if my best friend will ever read what is written in this post, I don't know if I will tell him, as I do most of the time I post things, in an email, or if it will forever go unknown to him. He may need to know the information here, it may forever change our friendship, it might make him so happy. He also may think that it is so stupid that I would be willing to do that, that I would be willing to change so much for him. All of you (if there are any) might think that it is the stupidest thing you have ever heard of. But I don't think that it is, I think that it is perfectly fine, and what love is supposed to be.

PrincessC

Valentine's Day

If there is one holiday a year that strikes fear into the heart of every asexual person in the world, it would be Valentine's day. Maybe it is not exactly fear though, more like confusion. And maybe it does that to everyone, or maybe just me. But whatever the case and quantity of people affected, here I sit, February 11, very not knowing what to do. (This intro is very Grinch-like, "maybe his head wasn't screwed on just right, but whatever the reason, his heart or his shoes, he stood there on Christmas, hating the Whos.") It is something that gets to me nearly every day of my life, this conflicting of thoughts, but around this time of year, it's multiplied. No one wants to be alone, everyone wants someone that they can call "mine". But not everyone wants a relationship, sometimes you just want a really great friendship, someone that loves to spend time with you and is always there for you, but friends also have "real" relationships and other friends, and they can't be with you all the time. It's very....not understandable.
PrincessC

Happy

I am happy. I am really really happy. I don't really know why. I haven't really done anything exciting today. Normally when I am this happy, it is because I have seen my best friend. But I have not seen my amigo in a while. I would like to change this soon. But he did tell me a story today :) He doesn't tell me stories often. Probably about only one every six months. But when he does, it makes me endlessly happy. Sometimes I worry that I want things different from what he wants, but his stories tell me that he does want the same things as I do. And that makes me so very happy :) It is so nice to be able to have nice dreams, something to hope and long and look forward to. And someone to share those dreams with :)

I am also playing a game about zombies. I like when they eat people.
PrincessC

Insecurities

I am very much enjoying this daily Wii playing. I dislike that it makes me sweat, sweat is really icky, but perhaps it isn't bad for me. I think that most of the time people think, or maybe I just hope they think and try to act like, I have much confidence in myself. I truly don't. I never think that I am good enough. I always think that I have messed up somehow, and that people will hate me. I am even more like this with my best friend, which is absolutely insane, because he is the most loving and least judging person I know and I am very lucky to be able to call him my best friend. But I never think that I am pretty. No matter how many times people say that I am, I never believe them. I always have it in my mind that I am the ugly fat kid. I probably truthfully aren't, I don't think that size 9 is exceptionally large probably, but it doesn't matter, I still feel like I am. Maybe because I am short, or perhaps because I am not size 0, I just never feel really great about myself. Some days I do feel better than others though. Today, is just sort of an in the middle day.

I think that when people were making theories and laws and such, they forgot a very important one: the amount of love you have for another person is directly proportional, if not equal to, the amount of time you spend worrying about them. I feel like maybe I bring bad luck or something, because every time I care about a person, something seems to go wrong. It's really not cool. I really worry that something will happen to my best friend. I really don't know what I would do if it did, I think I would probably go insane.

I believe that is enough for the day.
PrincessC

Snow Day

I really like the snow, it's very pretty. I have spent pretty much the entire day writing essays. In some ways, it has been really interesting. In other ways, very boring. I did play the Wii for a while, and let me just say, there are some crazy intense exercise games on that thing. I hate exercise, and I curse the person that decided to combine it with video games, which I am addicted to. Like there are jump rope games and you actually have to jump, and skating games in which to move you must run in place. My competitive nature wouldn't allow me to play nice and calm and lose, no, I must be fast enough to beat the ten year old. It was fun though.

I really don't know what else to say, there is a lot on my mind but I don't even know how to say it to my best friend, so I really don't know how to say it to random people on the Internet.
PrincessC

Losing

Losing is not fun. Losing a contest that you worked really hard at entering for makes you feel very sad. But losing a person that you care about is even worse. I am fairly certain that I am going to lose my best friend, and I fear that it may be soon. I don't think that I will lose him because of death, though that is a very sad way to lose someone. But I think that someone will come along that is more important than me. Someone will come that will give him what I can't: a relationship, a romantic relationship. I know that is what he wants. And mostly, I wish so terribly that I could give it to him. Yet at the same time, part of me, the part that is arguably selfish, doesn't want him to have one, because I know that means that I will no longer be important. At least, I won't be as important to him, he won't be able to email me all the time, tell me he loves me all the time, want to randomly go places with me, or watch movies during which I basically crawl up in his lap. And what would happen if something happened between them, and they were no longer together? That would make my amigo become very sad, and I wouldn't know how to help him and make it better. I suppose that I would just have to be there for him, and I would, always, be there for him, but I would so much hate to see him be sad.

Losing your voice is pretty sad too. I always seem to lose mine the week of singing contest, and it always very much makes me nervous, but then somehow I am able to regain it before its time. Losing your hair is pretty sad, if you go bald.

PrincessC

Dis-appointments

Normally when I feel like this, I just find a way to sneak outside or something, and I sing because singing for me is like emotionally purging. But seeing as it is midnight, nearly one, and I can't stop shaking, I don't think that I can or should do that. So here I am; writing is the next best thing.

I'm not really sure why I am shaking so terribly, I don't know if it is from cold, not enough sleep, or just so many emotions pushed all together at once.

I hate when you look forward to something for a long time, and you get so excited for it, and then...it doesn't happen. This feeling is quite awful. Disappointment is a horrible, sad emotion. That could in fact be the cause of my shaking, which has (temporarily) stopped. It seems especially hard when you have dreams about it and they are amazing, and you talk to the person your plans are with about it, and they seem excited as well, but then it doesn't happen and the person doesn't seem sad about it, but you are really sad about it. And the shaking returns.

I love you. Why does such a small phrase have so many rules? Like it is ok to write it to your friends, but not to actually speak it to them. And parents are just kinda, you have to say it but you don't want to. But there are people that you would love to say it to, because they mean so much to you and you don't know what else you could say to show them that, but you can't because that would be weird. And you know, at least you are pretty sure, that you mean a lot to the other person, but all they say to you is "You look very pretty". It's a nice thing to hear, truly, but its just not really the same. I really would love to rewrite the rules so that you could say I love you to whoever you felt like, whenever you felt like.

I didn't think that my "main topic" of discussion would take very much space, nor would it get out all of the typing, emotional purging that I needed, so I cleverly made the title so as to go on to something else, yet make it seem related. Appointments. Doctor, dentist, hair; I hate all of them. Not because they are appointments, but because they are certain parts of me, like my hair for instance, that are not open to all people. I do believe that I have written about this before. But now I will work off of hair, since I have brought that into this. Hair to me, is like bonding time. For you to allow someone to play with your hair means that they get to be close to you, close enough to play with your hair, and that you let them touch a part of your body over and over again, I mean, if you think about it, they really are in your personal space, so you have to really know and like the person. Perhaps this is just me though.

I am getting very, very sleepy, so buenas noches. :)
PrincessC