Shadows

Its a fairly normal title, shadows, but this is going to be a very deep (hopefully) post. Shadows are part of you, they are you in essence, but they are also separate from you, something wanting to imitate you, following your every move, but cant quite be you. You can never be rid of your shadow, it will go with you wherever and always be part of you. Your mind is the same way, all the memories, the mistakes, the downfalls, the ups, the praise, all will be with you for the rest of your life, and no matter what you do, you can not be rid of them. You can attempt to cover them up but even that will not destroy them, and you will still have to deal with them. But your past, as well as your shadow, can be put behind you, as long as you look forward into the light.

Metaphorically, the shadow seems to be very multi-talented. Shadows represent death, and darkness. They are the opposite of light and life, they are something you don't want to face. They are also your deepest hidden secret, the part of you that you don't want to exist but is there for the entire world to see, and no matter how you try to run from it, it follows you. But in art, it draws the line between the good artist and the great artist. It is what makes things go from dead and fake and flat to alive and real. The shadow to me means lots of different things. The shadow is your clone, the thing that you have from birth until you die, that is you, that is of you, that is unfortunately yet thankful ever silent. Anything you have seen, your shadow has as well. Anything you've done, your shadow did it too. Anything you think, your shadow was there preying on your mind, taking what is yours and making it theirs as well. Even now as I type, my shadow types with me, imitating my keystrokes exactly, yet making no impact. It is rather sad I believe, that this thing is forced to be with you yet can not truly do anything at all. It can not complain, it can not move, it can not be free of you.

I keep referring to the shadow and the conscience, your mind. I think that this is the thing that sticks out to me the most. When you see something you don't want to, hear something you don't want to, face something you don't want to, that thing becomes a part of you, whether you want it to or not, and it is there with you for the rest of forever. No matter what, its in your mind, and it can make you laugh or haunt you any time it wishes. You have no shield from it, it just happens at random, with only the tiniest spark of outside influence telling it to appear. Its just like a shadow, the smallest speck of light, and its there. Every time.

What You Say, What You Mean, What I Think

Haven't been on here in a long time, what's been happening blog readers?
I've been up to a lot it seems. I went to an Adam Lambert concert and it was absolutely amazing!! It was made even better by the fact that I went with a great friend. :) I got some blue hair, not like "My hair is completely turned neon blue all over" but some pretty bright blue stripes. I guess they call them streaks when dealing with hair. Actually, that's all I've been up to lately of much significance, but you have to admit, its a pretty amazing thing to do.

I made a fantastic realization the other day. I have a great uncle that has been single and happy for over 75 years. That's amazing! Its like an inspiration to aces everywhere! You don't have to be what society wants, you really and truly can be single and happy for your entire life. Most aces, people in general, don't want to be lonely, and he isn't, he has friends and family always there for him, and that's all he needs. I think that this is truly awesome.

Sometimes, what you say is not what you mean. It seems that it is especially this way when you are typing. If you are talking person to person, you can see the reaction the person has, and accordingly fix what you said to explain what you meant. When you type, you can't. When you type, it is there and you can't take it back or explain what you mean if the person doesn't ask you to and they can read it over and over again and be hurt over and over again. And other times, you really want to say something, but you know that you shouldn't, so you don't, you type something that you don't really mean because you can't say how you truly feel.

As always, I will now combine the previous paragraphs into the last, and normally main, one. This isn't really a paragraph though, it is a chart. To an ace, or to me at least, this is what you say, and what I think. Not normally how I reply, but what I truly have inside my head.
Here is how to read it. You speak. I think.
I miss you sometimes. I miss you all the time. Sometimes I want to be alone. I can understand that, sometimes I like to be alone to concentrate on my video games. I would like to be in a relationship because I am lonely, and if I found someone, I wouldn't be lonely. You are in a relationship, it is called a friendship. Friendships can help you not be lonely, because friends love you. But if you are in a relationship, its different because you know that the person truly wants to be with you and you want to be with that person. I would kind of hope that you would truly like to spend time with your friends. I truly like to spend time with you. Yes, friendships are like that, but you don't get to hold hands or be all sweet with that person. You could hold my hand if you wanted to, it might be nice and warm, and friends are sweet and nice. I want to be in love with someone, and I want someone to be in love with me. Well I love you a lot, and you say that you love me a lot. What is the difference? I don't understand. You will understand someday.That's what has been bothering me for so long, like when I have a really down day I sleep, that's what's wrong with me, I get so depressed and I don't know why, but it hits me really hard some days. Perhaps I don't want to understand. I don't want to be sad like that, and I don't want for you to be sad either. I thought that our friendship kept you happy... I will always love you, and you will always be my best friend! Why can't I love two people? I want to have a best friend that I can tell everything to and who will always be there for me and I will do the same. And then have someone that loves me romantically and I love them romantically. Everyone has their best friend and the one they romantically love. I will always love you too. You can love two people; I love you, my family, and my other friends. That is more than two people. I'm glad that you can tell me anything and you are right, I will always be there for you. Not everyone has romantic love, granted they, we, only make up a very tiny percent of the population, but it is wrong to say that absolutely everyone does.

That probably makes me seem really emotionally jumpy, going from sweet to serious, but that is the working of my inner mind. Its kind of like a four year old. New meaning to the term "your inner child."
PrincessC

The Cards of Life

There is something strangely relaxing about shuffling cards. It makes you feel as though you are in control of chaos. Because the cards should, in theory, be in totally random order after a good shuffle, but you are in charge of how many times and what kind of shuffling. I think that is what we are all after in life. We all want to feel that we are in charge of the chaotic order of events that we call living. We are in charge of what we eat, and some take that power to the extreme. That in turn makes us in charge of our bodies. But still, there are countless powers working against our bodies as well, such as the weather, emotions, other people, animals, and the list could go on and on. So while we take actions to feel in charge, we really aren't totally and completely. That doesn't mean that we can just let things fall however they wish and give up on things entirely, its just meant to make us think about how small we really are and put things in perspective.

I think that each of us, in our hearts, has the making of a deck of cards. We all have the royalty of the face cards, the part of us that loves to be in charge. We all have the love represented by the hearts. The spades, which represent the desire to work and advance in life, as though you are gardening and working your way to the top or as though you have to fight and defend your position, as the spade is sharp. The clubs, which represent the fun, the normal, and hardships in life, how each is a different circle, but all are combined to make up a life. The diamonds, which show the purity and hope that each of us truly has deep down. Sometimes we do not always show the clear and shining diamond in our lives, but it is always there, even if caked in miles of emotional dirt and mud. All the numbers of course are part of every one's life, the world can not function properly and orderly without the use of numbers. And last, the aces, which represent not that only one person, yourself is important, but that you and three other people are needed. The ace of spades would have to represent yourself, as you know more about yourself than anyone else, and therefore it has the most intricate detail. Then the ace of hearts is the person that you love more than anyone else. The ace of spades is the person that you strive to be like, your role model. And the ace of diamonds is the person that you value and treasure and that help keeps you pure and hopeful.

There are a lot of ways to view the world, when you keep your mind open.

PrincessC

New Friends, New Perspective

Sometimes you meet a person that is so much like you that it isn't even funny. I know that I said my mini me is just like me, and she is, but I may have found someone who is even more like me. Being a nerd is great, I'm not ashamed to be one. But its a lonely life sometimes. To be good looking or popular or athletic, you have lots of friends, you get to spend time with everyone, you are never alone. But nerds don't have many friends, they all claim us as friends so we will help them and give them money, which we are so nice that we always do. And yet it seems to me like things are always unfair to us. People get in trouble for being mean to each other if you play sports, but when people are mean to the nerds, everyone ignores it. The "friends" always leave us when it really comes down to it. We use logic and see how it is unfair, and it makes us really sad, but then they always say something to make it seem like its our fault, I mean its not like we have that many to begin with, we really don't want to lose friends. Scientists and people with great intelligence have throughout history have been lonely people. They were sad and crazy because of this, which is a terrible thing, but no one wanted to be with them. They were ridiculed by society, and no one cared. Maybe cliques aren't a bad thing, maybe its really for the best, it keeps people more safe. Nerds aren't going to be mean to other nerds, because they know what its like. Band people like other band people, math people like math people. That may sound terrible, but I think its true. Its a way to make people unified, make them feel better about themselves by realizing that they aren't the only person in the world like them.
PrincessC

Love Prints

If you love someone, tell them
If you miss someone, find them
If you have someone, hold them tight and never let go
I may not know much, but this I do know
Love deeply and truly and leave love prints where you go

I am quite fond of this writing. I believe that it is truthful and meaningful. But one question might come to mind when you read it. What is a love print? A love print is like a footprint, only not. It's like a memory, an emotion. Everything that love is, laughter, smiling, fun, crying, sympathy, forgiveness, any emotion that is because of love, leaves a love print on that person's heart. And you can always look back at your love prints that people have given to you, and it will make you happy, remembering love. It might make you a little sad sometimes, like if that love is no longer with you, but mostly it will make you smile. So a love print is a memory footprint on someone's heart, and it is the best thing that you can ever give a person or receive yourself.

I know that I didn't post anything yesterday, it was raining, but I don't feel like making up for that today. I'm not really in the mood to talk much.
PrincessC

Curiouser and Curiouser

I have been thinking lately. Thinking is a dangerous thing for any person to do, but it is also necessary. I have been considering what I am. I am a princess, this is true. I am fairly intelligent, this is also true. But I am a girl? Well, yes, I suppose, perhaps. I don't have a problem with that, I am totally fine with being what I am, I wouldn't like being a male any better. But what if there weren't male and female, and there were just people? No he or she, just them, they, as one and the same. Now if you get past the point where you think that the population wouldn't be able to continue if this happened because there would be no way to reproduce, and allow me to clear this up now, there are other ways to reproduce and a society in which we have been able to get rid of gender issues and prejudges by just eliminating gender all together would be smart enough to find some way to do so, it is an interesting concept. There would be no exploiting of women, nothing on TV to destroy the innocence of our youth. (I suppose drugs and alcohol, but I'm wondering if getting rid of those wouldn't soon follow in such a smart society.) Not everyone would agree with me on this, in fact a lot of people would disagree strongly with me, but I think that being just a person, neither girl nor boy, wouldn't be a terrible thing. I think that things would change so drastically. No one to tell people that they have to wear pink or blue or this club is only for boys or sewing is only for girls, just everyone being equal. I personally think that it sounds pretty good.

The music video for "If I Had You" didn't really impress me. I only watched it once, but I didn't think much of it. Perhaps if I watch it a second time it will be better.

I think that I have a problem with Tetris, I love it. Like I play it all the time. When I am bored, I will make up an imaginary game in my mind and play it out and plan the best strategies. I don't think that is normal.

I want to watch Alice in Wonderland again, I quite enjoy that movie. I love how it focuses on the imagination, which is a very important tool.
PrincessC

*Silence*

Silence isn't golden. Silence is creepy. I used to like the feeling of being alone, being allowed to think and do whatever. Now its just weird. When it is dead silent... well it just shouldn't ever be like that. Too many strange things can happen. They always show it in the movies even, the awkward silence and then the suspenseful music and then something bad happens. Except in real life, there isn't a director to cue the creepy music, so things can actually sneak up on you. And these things are a lot worse than something that isn't real and is just on the movie screen. That is a nice movie trick they do though, they play the music to get you on the edge of your seat, cause you know that something is coming up and you don't know what and you know its going to be something sudden and it will jump out at you. It probably isn't anything that scary most of the time. I've always wondered what would happen if you didn't have any sound in a movie like that. Would you still be scared if there wasn't the music to make your heart pound? If it was just an image that appeared on the screen?

I think that I might know why I don't sleep at night now. I have to make myself stay awake because it drives me crazy to not tell my best friend good night, and then once I pass a certain point, I am no longer sleepy. Does that happen with everyone? You are tired, really tired, but if you make yourself stay up long enough and you pass that point where you think that you are just going to fall over, then you aren't sleepy anymore? But if I don't stay up, I still can't sleep, no matter how sleepy I was. The only difference is if I don't stay up and say it, when I try to sleep, its terrible dreams and fitful, unrestful sleep. So staying up is the best option.

Hiking doesn't sound very fun to me. Its outside, where there are evil bugs that are for some reason more attracted to me than to any other human being on earth, and where it is hot. Its a long dangerous trail through unfamiliar territory and you aren't sure where you are going to end up or where the next resting spot will be, if there is any other civilization for miles around, and if you get lost, there is not much hope for you. None of that sounds very enjoyable. I would really prefer to not be lost in the wilderness. But I haven't much choice, they are forcing me against my will to do such thing tomorrow. Otherwise I won't get credit for the thing called "summer school". I wonder if you can get lost in a public park.
PrincessC