Anticipation...

The more you want something, and the more you can't have it, the slower time goes by while you're waiting and wishing for it. This applies to so many things. When you want to shower because you are gross but have to wait hours before you get home, it seems like its taking days. When you are waiting for your birthday or for school to start again, that takes centuries. Waiting for your best friend to get off work so he can talk to you: eons. The only thing longer than an eon is... I'm not really sure, but had I known that I would have said that is how long it feels like you are waiting for your best friend to talk to you.

Uploading videos on YouTube takes a long time. Making the video so you can put it on there takes even longer. What happens to me is that I get one part good, really good, perfect, and then I watch that part a million times because its so good. And I get so excited and then forget that I still have 3 minutes of music still left to add clips too. Its quite the dilemma. Then I realize that I haven't gotten very far at all, and it won't matter how amazing it is if its never finished. Then I get discouraged and get back to work with a slightly sad attitude. And then after hours of working and it still seems to be not getting anywhere, at least not anywhere in a hurry, I just throw things in because I get bored and want it done. I am getting better at not doing that though. At least when it comes to movies. Things like logic puzzles, crafts, cleaning, if it seems that not much progress is happening, I just quit. Luckily I don't just give up on people though, because sometimes it takes some getting to know me before you want to be my friend, and then if I didn't let people do that, I wouldn't have very many friends. I don't have many close ones now, but I wouldn't have any sort of acquaintances and maybe not my close ones had I not been a little patient. I know people certainly have to be patient with me. My video, should you like to view it, can be found here.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sKtor8ULDjI

When you are afraid of something, I think that might be when time drags on the longest. When you are afraid that someone close to you has been hurt, and you wait to hear something from them to make sure they are ok, time goes by so slowly. Its worse than waiting for them to get off work. Trust me, I would know, I live this often. When you are afraid of the dark, night never ends. I don't think its really a fear of the dark though, I think its a fear of the things that are in the dark. Or a fear of being isolated and alone. Not really of the dark itself. Because if you have someone next to you that you trust, you aren't afraid anymore, because you aren't alone. Perhaps all fears are like that, they don't matter if you have someone you love next to you, you know that everything will be ok as long as they are there.

Yesterday, I talked about things that I disliked. Today, I will mention briefly something that I do like. Making my best friend smile. Its something that I always strive to do, something that I love doing. When he smiles, it makes me smile, his laughter is very catching. When he is happy, it makes something inside of me feel like its glowing. I think that might be happy that you get inside of you, the glowing feeling, not just the smile on your face happy like you try to act in pictures. Which that never works, it almost always looks forced. Unless you actually have reason to be happy, smiles don't normally look very convincing. Because it has to do with the way your eyes look. If the eyes don't sparkle, probably due to the inside glowing feeling, then its not true happy. But doing something that makes him happy makes me feel very good, and it makes me very happy.

Tomorrow school starts again for a month. Summer school. I spent a week bored, and then when I finally find something to do and enjoy summer, school starts again. Such is life. I will now reflect upon how I made my best friend smile today, with the video of which the link is posted here. I think I should sleep well tonight, I always do when I am happy.
PrincessC

Space, Please

There are things that I do not like. I speak very loudly. Therefore everyone, whether I know them or not, probably knows what I like and what I don't, for I am not ashamed to speak my mind loud and proud. One thing I don't like: doctors. Doctors, dentists, and things put into a category with those types of people, I dislike. They are all up in your business, both by asking questions and by just poking you and looking at places and things that you should not let people do. Its really bad with the dentist I think. The doctor just asks lots of things and then looks in your ears and then you leave. Not that terrible. But the dentist gets all friendly and handsy all up in your mouth, which no one should have entrance there. That is inside of me, you shouldn't be all looking and touching and investigating inside my body. Its weird, you don't do that. How would you like it if I just stuck my hand in your mouth and felt around everywhere and looked everywhere? I wouldn't ever do it because its gross. And you actually probably would freakishly like it. I went to the dentist once, and I don't plan on ever going back. Disgusting and disturbing.

Something else I don't like: getting my hair cut. Now these people aren't all up in your space to terribly bad. But in order to get your hair cut, you have to be seated. I don't like sitting in public, even at school, I would much prefer to stand. When you are sitting, you are weak, powerless. Especially when you are practically lying down in a dentist's chair or when getting your hair washed. By standing, you have more power. You have the power to run away. You have the power to fight. Standing is good. When sitting, you don't have the power to run. You barely have to power to move at all. You can't fend off an attack easily while sitting. Something else about getting your hair cut: you have to be careful who you trust to do it. Hair grows back, this is true. But waiting for it to grow out once you get something you really don't like takes ages. Maybe not literally, but it certainly does feel like it.

One last thing that I don't like: change. Simple, small changes that don't affect much are fine. But when you start changing the schedule and basically the order of life itself, I have a problem with that. Making dinner an hour later one day, totally fine. Deciding that you are going to not talk to me for a week and then when you do talk again it is very infrequent: not fine. Changing your entire life schedule at the drop of a hat: very not fine. Such is the shock nature of summer. Very not fine.

Something I do like: space. I mean this in both that I must be able to have my own personal space, and outer space. Both are very important to me. Looking at the stars and being able to breathe my own air are very nice things. Sometimes I am ok with not having all of my space, like if my amigo gives me a hug, that is fine, that is actually very nice. He smells good and is warm. But some stranger standing too close breathing down my neck is not good. Or teachers staring over your shoulder during a test, that bothers me so much. I will actually stop working until they leave. I really don't like people doing that. People standing behind me in general is something that I don't like, especially when I am sitting.

I feel like this post made a nice circle, it started sort of about sitting and ended sort of about sitting. I believe that my work here for the day is now done.
PrincessC

Time is of the Essence

Never underappreciate time spent with loved ones. It can heal the soul, bring peace to the mind, make your heart cheerful, and bring a smile to your face. If that quality time is spent playing video games, its even better. One person close to me doesn't enjoy video games though, but that person is my best friend, so it doesn't matter. Movies or just about anything is fun with him, as long as we do it together, it doesn't really matter what we do. Most of all I like to talk though I think. I love my best friend to death (if you didn't know that by now, you haven't been comprehending anything) but he always wants to be doing something, always wants to be busy. Which is fine, I like doing things like watching movies and playing games and all of that is good fun. But sometimes I would just prefer to talk, just sit and talk and enjoy each other's company. When we aren't together, we talk all the time. But when we are together, we hardly ever do. "Talk is cheap and time is money." Not everything is about money, time is something much more valuable than money, and talk isn't cheap, its something I treasure. Every word told to me I keep in my heart and appreciate. Countless conversations I am able to run through my head again because I have them memorized (when you have a memory as sharp as mine, that isn't too difficult) and whenever I feel a little sad or scared, I think of them and they make me feel better. There is one thing that will cause me to be upset quicker than anything, and that is when someone messes with my family. My best friend is a part of my family, because he is so close and important to me. So I'm not leaving anyone out when I say that I protect my family, or at least that I want to protect them. I can't be everywhere at once, so I can't always make sure that they are all safe. But I certainly would like to.

I'm not sure if this is how it is with everyone or not, but when someone is really important to me, I want to tell them. I want them to know exactly how I feel. But it seems like the words I pick are never good enough. When I try to explain how I feel, it doesn't seem like the other person gets exactly how important they are. I get really frustrated sometimes, because I really want them to know and they don't and then I blame myself so I keep trying to tell them but I never feel like I do a good enough job and I never feel that I tell them enough how much I care about them.

I always feel guilty when I don't answer my friends back right away. They tell me things because they want me to know and they want to know what I think. So it makes me feel really bad when I don't answer back soon. I have spent hours on the computer and gotten in trouble many times because I have to make sure that nothing important is told to me and I miss it. It doesn't even have to be something important, it could be something like "Hey, whats going on" and I would feel bad about not answering because they obviously wanted to talk and they probably actually care about what I am doing since they asked and I should answer them right away so they know that I'm not ignoring them or anything. I feel like its never the other person's fault if they don't answer me right away, maybe they just got busy or maybe I said something wrong or maybe I didn't answer in time. But I feel like it is always my fault if I don't answer, because I should always be there for them no matter what. That's just the way my mind works.
PrincessC

Whatever: An Assortment of Thoughts

Its weird, once you lose someone really important to you, you hold the people you still have really close to you, because you are so afraid of losing them. I think that may be why people hug you when you are upset, they want to show that they are there for you, and they exist and live and you still have them. Once you lose someone, you want constant contact with the people you love, just to make sure that they are safe and ok, and you really don't want to let them out of your sight, but you have to, because you know that it isn't right to keep them in a bubble. "I trust you, its the world and how it treats you that I worry about." That is how I feel.

I have listened to a lot of music lately. Online radio, quite the thing, I really enjoy it. Its good to get something new in your life sometimes. Other times its less than great, but new music is normally really good. I've written a lot of things too. I may post some of them at a later time.

Gardening is quite the activity. Especially if none of the tools you need work properly and you have to use rocks to plug holes in mechanical things and duct tape to keep tools from flying apart.

The day has been exceptionally long, and a little unpleasant. When you have bad dreams the night before and don't really sleep very much and then get up and then...I'm not sure, the day has just kind of came and gone, I'm not really sure what has went on. It involved cleaning and a lot of socks and a bunch of other really not fun stuff. Even my thoughts haven't been able to keep me cheerful. There was an extreme lack of person that makes my days perfect. Perhaps tomorrow I will be able to relay some deep topic or delightful news.
PrincessC

Secrets, Decisions

Life is full of decisions, that's something that they tell you when you are very young. You decide what you eat, what you wear, what you do, and what you don't. As you get older, you get more chances to choice. And also more chances to mess things up. Society has also changed as it has gotten older. It seems to me that the smarter we get, the stupider we get. We have high-definition television (smart, technologically advanced) that shows bad programming (less than intelligent). We are teaching the younger generations things that we didn't know at that age, we are causing them to lose their innocence earlier. But we don't seem to even care. Music, we have the ability to carry thousands of songs in our pockets, in something the same width as a pencil (smart) but the things that we listen to on those devices, the songs that we program into those devices (less than smart). If there is one thing in this world that you want to daily struggle to keep right, its your witness. How you appear to people needs to match with what you say.

I have a secret love. Country music. I'm not sure why, I used to tell people that I didn't like it, but I always really have. There is just something so...reminiscent about it. Its what my grandparents always listened to. I miss that time, those times when I would go over there, they were always so proud of me. We would always do jigsaw puzzles together, and I would always get upset because my grandfather wouldn't do it right, but he would always try to help. Things were so simple and peaceful and nice over there. Things could be so bad and then instantly better as soon as I entered that house. Once, it was the middle of a bad storm, but I wasn't worried at all, because nothing could go wrong when I was in that house with those people. I suppose that is what I am searching for now, looking for that peaceful place and happiness again. I'm not sure where or when I'll find it, but I'm not going to stop searching until I find it.

There is something else about country music too. The bus, the big yellow school bus. Back before I had any shame, I would always sing on the bus, sing along to the radio, which was always country music. I remember that I wouldn't always know the words, but it was country music which only has basically three themes, my woman loves me, my woman left me, and beer, so making up words isn't too difficult. No one ever seemed to notice, or they just didn't say anything. I hear rumors that I have a pretty nice singing voice, so maybe they just enjoyed listening.

I think that is probably enough reminiscing for one night.
Later,
PrincessC

Open Heart, Open Mind

Perfect. Everyone has different ideas on what they think perfect is. Some people think perfect is a song that comes on at just the right moment. Some people think that perfect is a beautiful picture in a museum. Others think that its a lazy afternoon on the beach, with no worries, no expectations, just calm and quiet. I know what perfect is. Perfect is an afternoon spent with your best friend, where nothing else seemed to exist, nothing else really mattered. Its hide and seek, its watching a movie, its jumping on a trampoline. Its anything and everything you can possibly think of doing, and it doesn't really matter what you do, as long as you do it with your best friend. That's what makes it perfect, not the activities, not the glitter and fancy shiny things, just time of togetherness.

My best friend really means a lot to me, more than he could possibly ever know. One of my favorite quotes of all time has to be this one: "A friend is someone who knows all about you and loves you just the same." Now there are about a million different variations of that quote, and I'm not entirely certain who the very first person to say it was, but it is one of the most truthful things I have ever heard in my life. There are times that I have thought "Well, I've really done it this time, he will never talk to me again" and then always the next morning I will get a message saying "Hey amiga!" and then realize how very lucky I am to have such a true friend. Sometimes I think that he doesn't see how he is there for me. I know I have moments at times when I am less than great company, because I let my sad emotions get the best of me. Every time, within two sentences, he makes me smile and completely turns my day around. My past isn't a great one, I haven't done a lot of amazing things, I've had some pretty low places. But that doesn't seem to really affect him, unlike has happened with other people. He honestly and truly cares, and my past doesn't scare him. And quite honestly, without him, I'm not really sure that I would be alive today. He has helped me so much. I really hope that I am always there for him, because he really deserves it.

PrincessC

Agitation, a Pencil, and El Queso Gigante

El Queso Gigante, The Giant Cheese. Surely nothing else in the world can beat its amazingness. What else can boast such grandness, and be the largest attraction in the entire grocery store, in the entire history of grocery stores, in the history of mankind? Ok, that may be a bit much, but you have to admit, this cheese is pretty great.

On to other business. I woke up this morning, after sleeping better than I had in a while, most likely after yesterday's post and the ability to release emotion and be understood, and then I innocently got on one of my choice social networking sites, and then nearly immediately got off. Why, you ask. Because some people have no heart. Some people care only about themselves, and no one else. And some people think that they are better than everyone else. All of these people you can't help but feel sorry for. They do not understand what it means to be a compassionate, loving, kind human being. To not understand love, to not be able to feel it and share it and know it, would have to be the worst thing that could ever happen to a person. Maybe that is judging them a bit too harshly though, and I have no right to do that.

Relay for Life is an important cause to my family. My cousin is a 18 year cancer survivor. My great grandmother and great grandfather died from cancer. So I am pretty excited to be a part of a team this year. The theme is birthdays, celebrating a world with more birthdays. I think its a really cool idea. If we can find the cure for cancer, people won't die from it, therefore they will live longer, celebrating more birthdays. Before I realized that biology wasn't my strong area of science, I always wanted to be the person to discover that cure. Not for the fame and glory, just to share it with other people, to help others. I think that would be really cool, to be able to help people that have been told for years that they have no hope, to make it so hearing "You have cancer" isn't any different from something like "You have a cold". Or even better, make it like smallpox: eradicated.
http://www.relayforlife.org/relay/

It's said that writing is the most powerful tool there is, that and your brain, which really go hand in hand, you can't write without a brain, well you can, but it won't be thoughtful writing. I write a lot (as I'm sure you can tell from this). I write random dialogue that I think of, poetry, everything. I was thinking earlier, it would be pretty cool if I could compile all of that into an actual story. Or if they made this blog into a book someday. I'm not sure if people would read it or not, but its an idea. My personal preference isn't to type things first, its to write them with a pencil. Especially poems, they need to be personal and thoughtful, something best done in pencil. I may go do some of that pencil writing now, I feel rather creative.
PrincessC