Matters of the Heart

Poetry has to be the most powerful form of writing. It is basically raw emotion, you can feel it in its rhythm, the way the words form in your mouth, the momentum of the phrases. Even down to the carefully placed punctuation marks, they ooze with whatever emotion they speak of. If its rage, you can feel the heat, the blood pumping through the person's veins, the thoughts rattling in the person's mind, the emotion building and building until eventually it reaches its climax and explodes. Or if its nice and happy and flowery, you can feel the love, feel the joy, smell the fresh flowers of spring time, feel the sunshine on your shoulder, hear the birds sing their joyful songs. I enjoy greatly sharing my thoughts with all of you through this writing, but I must say that my preferred way of speaking is through my poetry.

I found a quote today, and it is one of the most truthful things I have read in a long time. "Spiteful words can hurt your feelings but silence breaks your heart." This is so very true. When you are silent, people worry. Especially if you talk all the time. Like me, if there was ever a day that I was silent, you should be very very worried. You can worry that you have said something very wrong and terrible and the other person is ignoring you. Or you can worry that something terrible has happened and they want to talk to you but they can't. Or you can feel completely left out because they are ignoring you on purpose because they are doing something very cool that you weren't invited to and you want to do something with them but you never get to and maybe you aren't as important to them as you thought that you were, you aren't as important to them as they are to you, and you begin to question things that you shouldn't. But words only hurt for a little bit. Most hateful words come from people you don't like, so it doesn't matter, you can just go to your best friend for comfort. Or if it would happen to come from your close friend, maybe it was a slip of the tongue or you took it the wrong way. Or maybe they just aren't really your friend, which would hurt so terribly bad. But the words themselves don't hurt as much as the silence does. Words can tug at the heart strings and make you cry, but silence can shatter the heart itself and leave you with nothing but an empty terrible feeling inside. And really it isn't the words that make you hurt if your friend does something to hurt you, it is the confusion and silence that does.

Today I was told that I laugh like an evil scientist, that they pictured me with boiling beakers and bubbling concoctions of chemicals. The scientist part fits me all right, but I'm not sure about the evil part....
PrincessC

The Mind is a Country

This is an analogy that I wrote a while ago. I think that it is a pretty fair, and interesting way to look at the world, and makes sense if you really think about it.


The mind is like a country. Some countries have tighter security than others and a passport is harder to get. This stays true whether you wish to gain a passport to leave or one to enter. But all countries have visitors. Sometimes people lie to get a passport and other times they sneak in. Honest people are welcomed with open arms.

The country usually has one ruler. The ruler isn't always nice. The ruler can be elected in, or it can be the result of some hostile takeover. An evil ruler doesn't take into consideration what would be best for all the people in the country, it only sees one thing and sets its mind to it. A good ruler also sets goals and meets them, but they make sure it is whats best.

There are different types of countries. Some are weak, small countries, easily taken over by other countries. These countries are in need of help from larger, stronger countries. Unfortunately, not all of the countries offer assistance. They can be so focused on themselves that they don't pay attention to the world around them. This is sometimes the result of a bad leader, but sometimes it is truly for the best that they focus on themselves if they are having trouble. At such times, they need help from countries like themselves.

Natural disasters can strike a country. As long as the hurting country is given help, the disaster isn't all bad. It signals new growth, and change, and a new start at life. Sometimes it seems like a disaster, but it is what is needed.

Strong countries can be hard to find at times. Not everyone is a strong country. All have the potential, but few realize it. It is usually thanks to a strong country already in existence that one realizes their potential. When countries form allies, they really have the power to change the world.

PrincessC

Green, Terrible Color

Green with envy. Greed is green. The color has a bad reputation. Sure grass is green, and its ok I guess, but green is also the color you turn when you are sick. Greed isn't really a problem with me, I will keep money for centuries and never spend it, I'm always afraid that I might really need it one day so I have to keep it. But I don't really want more of it, I'm kind of fine with not having any, I don't need anything, and I don't really want anything. Sick, everyone has problems with that occasionally, but its not too big of a deal. Come to think of it though, I am perhaps greedy with other things, that overlap with jealousy: people. Its a terrible terrible thing, but it seems to happen with me. The second someone leaves after spending time with me, I miss them and want them to come back. Or when I go somewhere, I never want to leave. I realize that they have other things that they have to do though, and do not get too upset. It just seems very sad to me to have to leave. Saying good bye is very much a problem with me, it seems too final and ending and as though you never plan on seeing them again, and it makes me even more sad, even though I know that I will probably see them again very soon. I didn't used to have such a problem with good bye, but due to a certain event, I really have an issue with it now. Perhaps this isn't jealousy though, perhaps this is just love and as long as I do not let my missing them keep them from doing other thing and I'm not selfish about it, it is fine. I do miss people though, very strongly. It could be five seconds since I last talked to you, and already I would miss you. I'm not sure why this is either, I used to be fine with being completely alone for long periods of time, but now I can not stand it. I don't like being alone anymore.

Some days I seem to be a little more emotionally fragile than others. I am afraid that during one of these times my friends will get tired of putting up with me and leave me. But they haven't yet. There is one in particular that I'm always afraid this will happen to, because I tell him everything. But he hasn't. I'm pretty sure that I have the best best friend in all the world. Like if it were a competition to see who the best best friend in the whole world was, he would win. I get upset, not at him, at time, for not being able to do something together. All I want is just to sit and talk and enjoy each other's company. You wouldn't think that would be such a hard thing to do, but it is apparently. I don't get angry, I just get sad. Very sad.

I think that I am going to do something else now, to try to be unsad.
PrincessC

Remember the Day...

Before I get to the major topic, I have found what may be the greatest song ever. It speaks of the place that I want to visit more than anywhere else. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lIrmPEyt0Nc You just have to listen to it, it is amazing.

Now, I will speak of the subject in the title, while listening to the song of course. Memories, we make them all the time, we can't not make them, unless you forget something, I guess that is a nonmemory. Anyway, you can't pick your memories, just like you can't pick what you hear (well you kind of can, but once you overhear something, there isn't any going back and not hearing it). You have them for a lifetime. Which is why you want to make good ones, not stupid ones. My memories are very interesting. I love remembering things, especially things about important people. Music is really good for bringing back happy memories. Like the song I mentioned earlier (really, if you haven't listened, you need to) reminds me of my cousin and my mini me, because I remember talking about that all the time with them. Talk of pancakes and moose, good times. Or the countless number of songs that remind me of my best friend. Like every song by Britney, or every song ever possibly played one note of on The OC. And its not always music that I associate with memories and people and places, its everything. Like I played my video game on the student council trip and on my science trip. Now that was two completely different sets of people to travel with. But both were fun. Or I spilled nail polish on these pajamas, orange nail polish to be exact, the first time I wore them, which was on the science trip, and it was brand new nail polish too, and then walked barefoot in a hotel (upon reflection that was really gross) with my best friend to get water while wearing them. Or something really obscure, like I thought about wearing these socks one week before going to do something with my best friend and ended up not wearing them.

On a related yet not really note, I also do strange things with every number I see. I will add and subtract and divide and multiply and count and everything mathematical to find something common between all the numbers. For example, if I see a house number that is 3594, I will do something like "9+5=14, and 4+3=7. So the two outside numbers are equal to half the inside." That way the world has order and purpose and isn't just random. I really love math a lot, in case you couldn't tell.

Smells remind me of things too. Maybe that's because I have a pretty sensitive sense of smell. Its the first thing that I notice about a person or a room. Like peppermint reminds me of clean hair and Christmas. Or the strange hospital but not quite hospital smell that is discovery reminds me of when I got my microscope. Once I find a smell I like, like in my perfume, it really bothers me to change because I think that if other people make that memory/smell connection, I don't want to mess that up. Though I'm not sure what kind of memories people form about me. Maybe it would be better if they didn't remember them.

I think that swimming makes you more tired than any other form of halfway exercise. You don't notice that you are tired or sore until after you get out of the water. Its like water has magical properties. It is a polar molecule. That doesn't sound too impressive to know, but on the giant science crossword I said that it was a molar molecule. I didn't think that molar made much sense... Now every time I drink a glass of water, I remember that case of mistaken molecule identity.
PrincessC

Appearance is Everything... Or Is It?

"Pretty people." We see them everywhere. Magazines while waiting in line at the grocery store. Commercials that you can't seem to avoid these days. The pointless advertisements on websites that no one reads. Everyone seems to care about how they look. But maybe pretty isn't the cooker cutter image we seem to think it is. Maybe not everyone needs to be the same height and size and have each hair on their head in the exact same place as everyone else. That would make the world a really boring place. Everyone has different ideas, and honestly, without the ideas that come from everyone, we wouldn't be able to advance. Without the knowledge of how to build houses, it wouldn't matter if we were pretty or if we could build a computer, because we wouldn't have anywhere to live. Everyone contributes to society. Not everyone is cut out to be a person on an ad. But just because they aren't on the cover of magazines, doesn't make them not pretty. Pretty has to do with the mind. Or at least it should. I realize that people are mainly shallow and really care about appearance, but they maybe shouldn't, because there are so many more important things to worry about. If I find the cure for cancer, people shouldn't care what my hair looks like. And people should never think that the only thing that they have is their appearance. People have depth, they can't just be something as superficial as good looks, they aren't mannequins. Some people know things about celebrities and other culture things. Some people are super nice. Some people are both. Now some people are more athletic, and some favor thinking and intellectual things, but that doesn't make any of them more important or more attractive than the others. They both have great minds, and great hearts, at least in a perfect world, so their appearance shouldn't matter. I really wonder how many people think appearance is the most important thing. Like they wouldn't care if the person was the most horrible person in the world as long as they looked nice. Or how many people would not spend time with their friends because they have to go get their hair done or have to go tanning, and then look "nice" and then be all lonely. I personally don't think that appearance is all that important, it just matters how they act.
PrincessC

Dreams, Sweet Dreams

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tjIssqHQJ6o
"A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep
Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come shining through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true."

Believing in dreams is something we seem to lose when we get older. Small children believe without proof. They don't worry about things. They don't plan out every detail of things. They take life one day at a time, and they know that dreaming is important. They dream things, sometimes impossible things, but they don't think about how impossible they are, they focus on how much they love them. When we get older, people tell us no, that we can't do things, that things aren't real. They kill our dreams. And we sadly, slowly lose the ability to dream. Dreams are nothing if you don't believe in them. But dreams should be everything. They tell us things about ourselves. They give us hope for the future. They pick the good out, and show it to us, show us that no matter how bad things seem, there is one thing, one shining light, that we have that gives up hope. Dreams make you happy when sometimes nothing else can, because they may seem a little impossible, but they show what you want, what you would love to have more than anything else. And that gives you joy. Truly nothing is impossible, if you dream of it, and you want it, you work towards it, you can make your dream a reality.

Nightmares are an unfortunate fact of dreaming. They take these magical, joyful things and turn them upside down. But they aren't a waste of dreams. Because they still tell us things about ourselves that we need to know but might not any other way. They show us our fears. They show us what we don't like, what we don't want, and maybe at times, when we want things aren't good for us. I don't like nightmares anymore than anyone else does, but you must have a certain level of appreciation for them, because they do give us knowledge at times, if you know how to read them.

I believe very much in my dreams. I love having them, and I love imagining that they will come true. I really want them to come true, and they really should. I take my dreams very seriously, and spend a lot of time thinking about them. They really are very important things.
PrincessC

Those People

School. I am beginning to think that the only reason it is even important anymore is for the social aspect of it. The education system is so corrupted that you don't learn anything. It is too streamlined and standardized for it to really help us out very much in the future. They make you take certain classes so you get exposed to everything and then slow everything down so everyone can get it. So what happens is you learn a little bit about a lot of things, but not as much as you should have learned in that course. Where as if they let you pick what class you wanted to be in, for instance chemistry since you know that you don't much care for biology, then you would have a class of really dedicated students that cared and actually wanted to learn and then you would actually learn things. But no, they don't like that idea. You may wonder who "they" are, for I speak of them often. "They" are the "leaders", the people that are in charge of stuff and end up ruining half of it. Not all leaders are bad, and leaders are definitely needed, anarchy is bad. But sometimes leaders need to get and actually use more insights from the majority of people, and they need to consider the minorities with great respect and esteem, so that the world can have progress and grow stronger and wiser.

But school. It is a place to see people. For instance, today. Today was actually a really good day (at least the beginning of it was, more on this later). I didn't see the people that I normally do, which since I am anti-change (which you already know), I wasn't sure that I was going to like. But I walked in that building with an open mind (and full and very noisy water jug a.k.a. "hydration container") and was pleasantly surprised. There are people there I can actually talk to. Its a little boring, Frisbee should not be considered a sport, though it isn't exercise intensive so its not a terrible activity. And technically it is called "lifetime activities" so maybe they are teaching us how to play with our dogs. I'm pretty certain that my lifetime activity will be done somewhere in a lab doing something science related, but whatever. There were some people that I knew, with one I had an interesting conversation about germ-x which led to a quite memorable quote. I'll save that story for a later time. And I suppose that I knew all of them vaguely. But now I believe that I have formed some nice friendships with those people.

Now for the part that is becoming the usual: my like/dislike section. Truthfully I suppose it is all like that, but not quite exactly. Anyways, for today...
Every time that someone doesn't want to talk to me, I find myself being hurt. I love to talk. I talk all the time. I didn't used to, but I do now. And I talk to anyone and everyone. But when my best friend doesn't want to talk to me, I feel basically like a complete failure at life. My friend should be able to always talk to me about anything, anything that upsets or excites or anything at all. But apparently I am the worst best friend ever, because its not like that. I think that sometimes he thinks that I get mad at him, but I never do. I get mad at myself for not being the friend that I should be to him. Maybe its because I talk too much, or maybe because I think too much, or perhaps because I dream too much. Whatever the problem, I am determined to find it and fix it. Because he deserves that.
PrincessC