Sorting Out (Sort of like Coming Out, Except for Yourself)

Honesty is complicated. It's not supposed to be. It's supposed to be easy. But it is really hard to be honest with someone when you don't even have a clue what is going on. Sometimes, writing helps with that. Seeing something, sorting through all of your thoughts logically, it should work. In theory, at least. Let's see.

For a while, I thought I was just another heterosexual person. That was wrong. Of course, at this time I was about seven years old and thought it was against the law to not be what society claimed as "normal".

Then, I classified myself as a romantic asexual. OK, that made more sense. I wasn't attracted to anyone physically. I didn't desire the "required parts" of a sexual relationship. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life alone. I still want the hugs and hand holding and the exclusive feeling of a relationship. So this is what fit me, right?

But then, as I got older and older, I thought, "Well maybe, just maybe, I could have a great friendship. They could live with me, they would always be there. Perhaps even a friendship would be enough for them too. We would never want anyone else. We would never want to do anything gross. We could hold hands and hug and maybe even sit really close to each other while watching movies on cold winter nights. It would be perfect." So then, I was an aromantic asexual. That was the shoe that had the perfect fit. Right?

But what is allowed? This topic on AVEN led me to a Wikipedia page on "Romantic Friendships". (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Romantic_friendship) What? Romantic friendships? Is that what I want? Or perhaps an asexual relationship? Is there a difference? Is not romantic friendship an oxymoron? Romantic friendships are a very close, non-sexual relationship in which friends may do things like hold hands, hug, and cuddle. Isn't that like what I said that I wanted? But then maybe not, because friendship implies that they are not a "relationship", it doesn't have to be the only relationship in a person's life. And doesn't romantic still have that potential to become something sexual in nature? Romantic is this "falling in love", being "in love" type of feeling.

Alright, so I think that somewhere within that, I have came to the conclusion that a romantic friendship is not what I am after. And I am not romantic. So aromantic asexual it is. So do I want an asexual relationship? Relationship, to my knowledge -- which is the only one that counts in my emotional life I believe -- means that exclusiveness. That not needing anyone else, that being completely happy with just each other. This is what I want. I want to be able to sleep at night comforted by the fact that someone will always be there for me. Someone will always want to talk to me. Someone will never leave me for someone else, someone better. But then relationship, too, almost means that it may or may not last forever. Friendship, however, seems more permanent, except for the fact that friends leave you for relationships while relationships only leave you for other relationships. So is there not any of them that will last forever? Is there not some sort of commitment that means forever? You can have more than one friend, but not be in more than one relationship. Or can you? My best friend seems to be handling it fairly ok. Given the fact that I was about 99% sure that he was in a "real relationship" yet kept denying it cause he hadn't actually told me yet and I certainly didn't want to believe it because I was perfectly happy with being the only "relationship type thing that remains still nameless" in his life, I've only "known/believed" for like two days, but everything seems fine. It kinda feels like maybe he is cheating on me though, like I wasn't good enough for him, like I couldn't provide him all the things he needed. It's not like I didn't want to, there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't wish that I was basically the complete opposite of how I am (in more ways than one) so that I could be that exclusiveness in his life, would be able to provide him with all that he needed and wanted. I knew that I couldn't be that though. I just kinda kept hoping that he would (like me) realize that all that romance stuff was unnecessary (except I was a lot younger and didn't really know what I was then so I didn't really change, just changed my definition of me). But I wanted him to have a relationship, wanted him to no longer be depressed, wanted him to be so happy. But I also tried so hard to be the closest thing to that relationship as I could, desperately tried to figure out what exactly people in relationships do (like talk to each other a lot and give each other things and spend time together) and tried so hard to do those things for him, to convince him that I was the only thing he needed in his life. Almost ironic really, the same way sexual people try to convince asexuals that they just haven't found the right person yet, I was trying to convince my best friend that he just hadn't found the right friend yet, but once he had, he would realize that an amazing friendship was all he really ever needed. So I wanted him to be happy (the reason I wanted him to have a relationship because it is the only thing that seems to make him happy no matter how hard I tried), but I wanted him to be happy with me.

Having said all that, I think maybe for me (maybe everyone) best friendship = asexual relationship. At least, I wanted it to be that, I wanted it to be something "more" than a friendship, not for me, but for him. Friendship means forever to me, I would never leave my friends, and I don't have "relationships" so best friendships are that exclusive, more close relationship. But for him, it wasn't exclusive, he still wanted more. Am I unintelligent for wishing that, wanting so badly for him to just need me, to just always have each other? I don't think so. I'm still not giving up the hope that maybe it might possibly be true someday. I mean, from what I understand, the only part of "romance" that friends can't provide you with is the sex part, but I mean really, if you've lived without it for years and years while you were growing up, why would you need it now? I plan on being perfectly happy without it.

Let's narrow down what we've learned today.

• I am most decidedly an aromantic asexual.
• No matter how hard you try to make your friendship as much like a relationship as you can, it's unlikely that it will be enough for your very romantic friend.
• But I still keep the hope that someday maybe I will be enough, just maybe.

Well, I certainly typed a lot to only come out with three concluding statements.

PrincessC

Love

Once, someone at my school told me that I was incapable of loving. The person that said this obviously does not know me at all, I wouldn't be surprised if they don't know my name. I may have done a post like this before, or perhaps I didn't go as in-depth with it as I will now. If I've done it before, I apologize for wasting time and Internet space, but it's really weighing on my heart right now, and needs to be said.

I know that I spend a lot of time talking about my best friend. But, that's because I spend a lot of time thinking about him. I have had "best friends" in my life before, and they have been wonderful people (well, most of them, long story that I try to not think about), but never have I felt as close or as important to a person as to my amigo. I can't explain why, but I read somewhere that love doesn't have a reason or explanation, it just is. So, it doesn't matter to me why I love him, or why he really cares about me. All that matter is that it is real. It's not made up, it's not like I imagine everything and he really doesn't care about me, I just make it up in my head to make myself feel better. I have done that in the past, find people that don't really care that much about me, but I pretend that they do. Or I have just flat out made up imaginary friends. But this isn't, this is very real. I think that might be why he means so much to me, and why I so desperately don't want to lose him.

I would do a lot for my best friend. If I thought it would make him happy for me to be a size zero, I would work so hard making that happen. If I thought it would make him happy for me to do just about anything, I would do it. Recently on Twitter, @asexuality asked the question, "If you could take a pill to change, to make you become sexual, would you take it?" I would most confidently have said yes, if not for one thing. I know that my best friend is super romantic, and I know also that I want so much for him to be happy. I know that he can't be happy with me for forever, and it would be so selfish to expect that. He has absolutely no idea how much I would change for him. If I thought it would make him happy, I would, no questions asked, take that pill. He gets so sad sometimes, and he really doesn't understand how much that really hurts me. Even without this hypothetical pill, I would change, I would have to pretend for a while, but I think I could make myself change, it wouldn't be easy, but I would do it if that would make him happy.

I don't know if my best friend ever comes here and reads this blog. Really I don't know if anyone does. I also don't know if my best friend will ever read what is written in this post, I don't know if I will tell him, as I do most of the time I post things, in an email, or if it will forever go unknown to him. He may need to know the information here, it may forever change our friendship, it might make him so happy. He also may think that it is so stupid that I would be willing to do that, that I would be willing to change so much for him. All of you (if there are any) might think that it is the stupidest thing you have ever heard of. But I don't think that it is, I think that it is perfectly fine, and what love is supposed to be.

PrincessC

Valentine's Day

If there is one holiday a year that strikes fear into the heart of every asexual person in the world, it would be Valentine's day. Maybe it is not exactly fear though, more like confusion. And maybe it does that to everyone, or maybe just me. But whatever the case and quantity of people affected, here I sit, February 11, very not knowing what to do. (This intro is very Grinch-like, "maybe his head wasn't screwed on just right, but whatever the reason, his heart or his shoes, he stood there on Christmas, hating the Whos.") It is something that gets to me nearly every day of my life, this conflicting of thoughts, but around this time of year, it's multiplied. No one wants to be alone, everyone wants someone that they can call "mine". But not everyone wants a relationship, sometimes you just want a really great friendship, someone that loves to spend time with you and is always there for you, but friends also have "real" relationships and other friends, and they can't be with you all the time. It's very....not understandable.
PrincessC

Happy

I am happy. I am really really happy. I don't really know why. I haven't really done anything exciting today. Normally when I am this happy, it is because I have seen my best friend. But I have not seen my amigo in a while. I would like to change this soon. But he did tell me a story today :) He doesn't tell me stories often. Probably about only one every six months. But when he does, it makes me endlessly happy. Sometimes I worry that I want things different from what he wants, but his stories tell me that he does want the same things as I do. And that makes me so very happy :) It is so nice to be able to have nice dreams, something to hope and long and look forward to. And someone to share those dreams with :)

I am also playing a game about zombies. I like when they eat people.
PrincessC

Insecurities

I am very much enjoying this daily Wii playing. I dislike that it makes me sweat, sweat is really icky, but perhaps it isn't bad for me. I think that most of the time people think, or maybe I just hope they think and try to act like, I have much confidence in myself. I truly don't. I never think that I am good enough. I always think that I have messed up somehow, and that people will hate me. I am even more like this with my best friend, which is absolutely insane, because he is the most loving and least judging person I know and I am very lucky to be able to call him my best friend. But I never think that I am pretty. No matter how many times people say that I am, I never believe them. I always have it in my mind that I am the ugly fat kid. I probably truthfully aren't, I don't think that size 9 is exceptionally large probably, but it doesn't matter, I still feel like I am. Maybe because I am short, or perhaps because I am not size 0, I just never feel really great about myself. Some days I do feel better than others though. Today, is just sort of an in the middle day.

I think that when people were making theories and laws and such, they forgot a very important one: the amount of love you have for another person is directly proportional, if not equal to, the amount of time you spend worrying about them. I feel like maybe I bring bad luck or something, because every time I care about a person, something seems to go wrong. It's really not cool. I really worry that something will happen to my best friend. I really don't know what I would do if it did, I think I would probably go insane.

I believe that is enough for the day.
PrincessC

Snow Day

I really like the snow, it's very pretty. I have spent pretty much the entire day writing essays. In some ways, it has been really interesting. In other ways, very boring. I did play the Wii for a while, and let me just say, there are some crazy intense exercise games on that thing. I hate exercise, and I curse the person that decided to combine it with video games, which I am addicted to. Like there are jump rope games and you actually have to jump, and skating games in which to move you must run in place. My competitive nature wouldn't allow me to play nice and calm and lose, no, I must be fast enough to beat the ten year old. It was fun though.

I really don't know what else to say, there is a lot on my mind but I don't even know how to say it to my best friend, so I really don't know how to say it to random people on the Internet.
PrincessC

Losing

Losing is not fun. Losing a contest that you worked really hard at entering for makes you feel very sad. But losing a person that you care about is even worse. I am fairly certain that I am going to lose my best friend, and I fear that it may be soon. I don't think that I will lose him because of death, though that is a very sad way to lose someone. But I think that someone will come along that is more important than me. Someone will come that will give him what I can't: a relationship, a romantic relationship. I know that is what he wants. And mostly, I wish so terribly that I could give it to him. Yet at the same time, part of me, the part that is arguably selfish, doesn't want him to have one, because I know that means that I will no longer be important. At least, I won't be as important to him, he won't be able to email me all the time, tell me he loves me all the time, want to randomly go places with me, or watch movies during which I basically crawl up in his lap. And what would happen if something happened between them, and they were no longer together? That would make my amigo become very sad, and I wouldn't know how to help him and make it better. I suppose that I would just have to be there for him, and I would, always, be there for him, but I would so much hate to see him be sad.

Losing your voice is pretty sad too. I always seem to lose mine the week of singing contest, and it always very much makes me nervous, but then somehow I am able to regain it before its time. Losing your hair is pretty sad, if you go bald.

PrincessC